American Idol - 1/24/06

"North Carolina, come on and raise up. Take your shirt off. Spin it like a Helicopter." Those anthemic lyrics by Petey Pablo make a lot more sense than most of the Greensboro auditions we saw this week. The tear-jerking stories of Kellie Pickler (I'm a roller skating waitress and my pa's in jail!) and Kendra Winston (I got 3 kids by two different baby daddys and I lived in 42 foster homes!) worked on me as well as most of the audience and made me look forward to all the heartwarming Behind-the-Olympics bios we'll be seeing soon. Idol format is perhaps too predictable - whenever we're shown a tear-jerking bio before someone sings, we can be assured that person's audition will end with "You're through to the next round. Off you go." Kellie "Pick Me" Pickler resembled Carrie Underwood but was instantly more likeable. Rhonetta (right) was tonight's breakout star, as her "no, you didn't!" scene was teased throughout this episode and saved for the final 5 minutes. Miss Thang simply could not sing, but she didn't take that news too well, threatening to take Paula out to the parking lot for some hair-pulling and nail-gouging. Fortunately, Paula was out of earshot of Rhonetta's most withering insults like "she hasn't put out a record in like 20 years" or she might have been tempted to overdose on her painkillers.

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Edgar at the Movies: Transamerica

Coolia snuck me into the theater along with some sweet tarts to see Transamerica. I found myself relating quite a bit to the main character, Bree, who undergoes a sex change operation. However, Bree really desparately wants the operation, whereas I had no idea what was going on. All I remember is I was on a cold slab and then when I woke up my balls were gone. But, this review isn't about me. The basic story involves Bree, a male-to-female transsexual, who receives a phone call from a troubled teen who claims to be her son. With horror, she realizes the boy must have been conceived during one awkward college sexual encounter she had with a woman. Bree's therapist won't allow her to have her sex reassignment surgery until she meets the boy, so Bree travels to New York to bail him out of jail. She then takes him on a cross country trip, letting him believe she's a Christian do-gooder rather than his father. This is kind of mean, sort of like when Coolia and Nerdia fake throwing the ball and I run for it and they laugh. Felicity Huffman is a revelation as Bree - completely convincing, strong yet sad. The roadtrip meanders too long but the scenes with Bree's parents really come alive. As much as I like car rides, this one becomes a bit tedious - maybe because it goes for laughs at the expense of some of the heavier themes it brings up. In the end, I felt it lacked the gravitas of My Dog Skip. Attention Hollywood producers - a similar movie about me could be called My Dog, Snipped.

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Celebrity Fat Club 3

Speaking for myself, I am very excited about the premiere of Celebrity Fit Club 3 – the only reality show I think I’ve ever looked forward to in my life. I was in Vegas for New Years so I tivo’d the first episode. Look for a full review this weekend. The following questions will be answered:

1. Why in the hell has CFC lasted 3 seasons?
2. Is Chastity exploiting the fame of her famous parents or does she honestly need televised reality intervention?
3. Will the person responsible for dressing up Chastity like Cher (photo above) please stand up and will this be covered in therapy sessions with psychologist Linda Papadopoulos?
4. Question #3 makes me wonder, was Snufalufagus ever on the Sonny & Cher Show?
5. Are we tired of loose cannon cast members strategically hired to blow fuses?
6. Which rapper has the right stuff?
7. Why didn’t Bill Cosby teach Tempestt Bledsoe how to spell her name correctly?
8. Do we hate Kelly LeBrock because she’s beautiful or because she gained weight to squeeze into a spot on this third-rate show?
9. Bruce Vilanch – kooky comedy writer or lazy fart?
10. If Biggie and Tupac can manage a career after death, could Bruce Vilanch?
11. Can someone pass me the cheesy poofs?

Visit us soon for the answers to these and all your burning questions about Celebrity Fat. In the meantime, check this out - does Snufalufagus need a diet, too?

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