Friday, June 21, 2013

Kerfuffle: An Inside Look into the West/Kardashian Baby-Naming Drama

"Kerfuffle:  An Inside Look into the West/Kardashian Baby-Naming Drama"

By C. Crumpet Swank

21 June 2013

I think People magazine is pulling our leg today with this absolutely ridiculous “confirmation” that Kim and Kanye have decided to name their little darling North West.  True, Kaidence didn’t make the cut, although it had been a front runner among the family.  At the Jenner/Kardashian kompound in Kalabasas there was much discussion this week about other choices, but nothing was written in stone.  The long-rumored Kimye was eventually discarded because I reminded Kris that there was already a semi-celebrity with essentially the same name, Kimya Dawson, who wrote all those boho-chic songs for the Juno soundtrack.  And so the deliberations wore on…   Surely, some of the names we floated during those fruitful discussions by the infinity pool bear revisiting.  This whole “North” thing—I think it’s pretty darn risible.  I mean, really, North Donde West?  It sounds like a cul de sac in a Flagstaff, AZ retirement development. And where’s the femininity, the verve; the special K?   For all of you who could not be there, here are some of the names we discussed:


Kardigan (remember all those nifty prepster sweaters Kanye first wore when he arrived on the scene?)


Kondoleeza (a strong, powerful, educated woman)


Krosby Billsandkash


Kastanet West (genuinely sounds great and is a nice musical nod to Dad; other options in the same vein:  Koronet, Kettledrum, Kalliope, Akkordion, Klezmer)




Kumbaya Mylord West (a nod to Dad’s messianic complex)


Kootie LaLa


Kruller Krumpet (to acknowledge all the pastries that were so key in the baby’s well-documented development.  Bruce duly lobbied for Krispy Kreme and there was some support in the air—but Kris, who adores the spelling, reminded her hubby that the trademarking opportunities are already sewn up.)


Kleopatra (Kim is smoky-eyed and gorgeous like Liz Taylor…Cleopatra was Egyptian…which makes her Kanye’s forebears.  Knefertiti was also thrown into the mix by Kendall.  Much debate ensued about which ruler was hotter.)


Kornukopia (this baby will have many talents and opportunities)


Kulture Klub (because she’s such a wonderful amalgamation of various kultures)


Kiplinger (because Mom’s proudly all about the $$$; also, Kippi is a sweet little nickname)


Kibble Ann (a nice, traditional family name)




Kundalini (Kim thought it was a delicious pasta dish at Drae’s, but I explained what a peaceful, mystical name it really was.)


Knelly (Kourtney’s always been a big fan of Little House on the Prairie which was filmed close by in the Valley.)




Kopakabana (since Mom and Dad aren’t afraid of putting on a show)


Knarly Rae (honors the baby’s Valley Girl roots in Kalabasas)




Kesha Kabbalah (Who doesn’t love a virtuous namesake, á la Madonna or Jesus/Yeezus?)


Kordovan (Bi-racial children usually have gorgeous skin tone, á la Halle Berry)




Krabapple Kumquat (sunny Gwynnie paved the way with Apple for her tyke, and Krabapple adds just the right amount of tartness for the daughter of the reigning “king of kontention” in the hip-hop/rap world.  As they say, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”  And in keeping with the fruit theme, Rob recommended the middle name to honor Kim’s entrepreneurial/artistic spirit with the project that first put her on the map.)    


Koupe de Ville (since she'll most likely have a lot of junk in the trunk like her Mom)


Ketamine Kwhorentine [pronounced ˈkē-tə-ˌmēn ˈkwr-ən-ˌtēn]  (in the tradition of classic, elegant French names like Christine, Evangeline, Clementine, etc.)


Koka Kola (the synergy is just waiting to happen)


Kelly Klarkson (Kylie wouldn’t let this one go…)


and perhaps the group favorite (We’re just waiting for Alex Hailey’s blessing and to see if he’s willing to be the baby’s godfather)…


KUNTE KIMTÉ (since Kanye doesn't seem to have any problem taking famous references in black history and reemploying them in a totally tone deaf way; e.g., on the new album, his appropriation of MLK's "Thank God, Almighty…free at last" to describe a pair of breasts he has "liberated" from a bra in a sordid bathroom f—k.) 


KUNTE KIMTÉ—it verily skips along the tongue.  I can see why the family went ga-ga over this potential choice.  So romantic and erudite!  Just like the much-admired couple who spawned this little 21st-century treasure.   

North?  Bah!  In the immortal words of Public Enemy:  "Don’t believe the hype!"

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