Herb Alpert and Lani Hall - Still Swingin'

It was a thrill to get a chance to see Herb Alpert in concert, having grown up listening to my parents' Tijuana Brass albums and having a ton of nostalgia for the Whipped Cream album in particular (see an earlier Ape Culture story on our recollections of growing up with that mysteriously sexy album in our otherwise Christian homes).

I was not familiar with the work of his wife Lani Hall, but she has had an amazing career in her own right, including performing with Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66. I discovered she has a great voice and the two of them have adorable chemistry on stage. Joining Hall and Alpert were piano player Bill Cantos, bass player Hussein Jiffry, and drummer Michael Shapiro. They were a tight band but also did a fair amount of improvisation.

Early in the set, Herb commented on how oddly intimate Walt Disney Hall felt, how he could see most of the audience's faces. He then encouraged the audience to yell out questions and comments, but not requests. This led to some chaos that continued throughout the night with comments ranging from one woman who asked how he and Lani got together and then proceeded to tell the story herself since she must have read it somewhere (why do people ask questions when they know the answers?), to a woman wanting to know if Herb graduated from Fairfax High (yes, and his good high school friend was the late Jack Kemp who he said was one of the only gentiles there), to someone asking who his favorite A&M Records (his label) artist was - Tijuana Brass of course!

Sergio Mendes was in the house! Herb gave a shout out to him. Too bad they didn't jam together.

Herb has always been criticized by "serious" jazz artists for being too pop. With this combo, he tries to get away from playing the Tijuana Brass tunes and play more jazz, but it's still mostly bossanova stuff and standards. It's light jazz at best. Still, I found it to be a very enjoyable concert.

Lani Hall has an excellent voice and can handle the Brazilian songs with aplomb. She has great command of the language. They did standards by Cole Porter, George Gershwin, and Johnny Mercer. Herb stated that he found Porter to be very relevant today and implored us to listen to the lyrics of "Anything Goes" (title cut from his 2009 Album with Hall). They slowed down "That Old Black Magic" and came up with a sexy version.

Herb is 74 now and doesn't look like a heartthrob anymore. His hair is gray and he has Nicholson pattern baldness. Lani looked a lot like my therapist which was a bit hard for me to get over. However, the two of them are clearly in love and have a playfulness about them that was fun to watch. My friend joked that they were like two high school kids who had to end the show quickly so they could go backstage and make out. Herb sang "I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face" to Lani, and it was a sweet moment. He ended the song with a few notes from "This Guy's in Love with You" which was a perfect end note to a somewhat lovably awkward moment (Like Burt Bacharach who wrote "This Guy's in Love with You", Herb doesnt have a great voice but there is something warm about the way he sings, which he rarely does).

The crowd went nuts for a Tijuana Brass medley that featured snippets of "A Taste of Honey", "The Lonely Bull" and other pop chestnuts. I would have loved to have heard more of this stuff, but I respect that he's got to do his current thing.

This event finally gave me an opportunity to see Walt Disney Concert Hall, and I have to say I was really impressed with the acoustics. It does kind of feel like LA has its own Sydney Opera House. The interior has similar swooping lines, and smooth wood, without feeling as chaotic as the outside of the building would lead you to expect. The pipes from the pipe organ jut out in all directions, but everything else is smooth. We were sitting behind the stage, which wasn't ideal. The sound was fine, but we got tired of looking at the back of Herb's and Lani's heads. We had good views of the drummer and the piano player, but it would have been nice if Herb and Lani could have played to the back a bit more. Oh well - life in the cheap seats.

The encore was a medley of Jobim songs which put a swingin' coda on a great evening. He even threw in a few notes of "Spanish Flea" for fans of The Dating Game. I definitely recommend you catch the show if it comes around. My only disappointment was that I didn't see anyone in the crowd dressed in whipped cream.

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Book Review: The Spiritual Biography of John Lennon

I’ve read the story of The Beatles many, many times from many, many angles. I once liked Paul. Then I became annoyed by his smugness on TV of late. Long before all that, I liked John. I even wore his style of sunglasses in high school. But I also became annoyed by his political smugness (and I agreed with it and was still annoyed!). Then I liked George—he was the cute one after all who was into Eastern philosophy in a more permanent seeming way than the others. But then I recently read “Wonderful Tonight” by his ex-wife Pattie Boyd (the book is mostly an address book of the people she's hung out with alongside tormented descriptions of herself as a doormat-wife with a dearth of any real dish about Paul, Ringo and John, but entirely too much about George and Eric Clapton). So now I’m stuck with Ringo. I’ve already seen two Ringo All-Star Ringo shows and I don't know how much more of that I can take.

On the other hand, now that I know that Ringo contributed one of my favorite Beatle lines, “...writing the words to a sermon that no one will hear...” to the song "Eleanor Rigby," I’m favoring to the idea of Ringo solidarity.

Well…maybe one is not meant to choose.

"The Cynical Idealist: A Spiritual Biography of John Lennon" was written by author, sculptor and teacher Gary Tillery in response to his shock that his students considered John Lennon just the garden variety of celebrity and not the more elevated type of activist/philosopher celebrity that older fans of Lennon consider him to be. Tillery's book aims to draw out Lennon’s thoughts on God and social responsibility in order to show how unique Lennon was among the vapid celebrities of today.

This, I believe, is a false premise due to the fact that we have PLENTY of activist celebrities, Bono of the rock band U2 being the most obvious example of celebrity activism on the Lennon scale. To a degree Bono is so serious he has almost risked becoming a joke unto himself and somewhat impossible to follow. John Lennon himself is quite a bit short of a real philosopher. I’ve known plenty of wannabie philosophers...called poets – and songwriters are no better at it. Which is not to say Lennon didn’t philosophize a lot. He just did not do the years of legwork required of a real academic (in or outside of the ivory tower).

That said, I did like this book and I appreciated how it fleshed out Lennon’s social and religious choices more singularly than other biographies have done, including his early and underlying roots of cynicism and anarchism, his dabbling with meditation and the Maharishi, what that whole primal scream therapy thing was all about, and a good timeline of his peace and feminist activities and art projects with Yoko Ono.

The Beatles in general and John Lennon on his own are always interesting for study from different perspectives, especially with respect to notes on the origins of their songs. I liked how this book included songs for suggested listening to go along with the text. Newbie Beatlefiles probably don’t have the full Lennon CD catalogue yet. And the old-schoolers who do have all the songs may find this book to be a retread. All the stories have been told many times in many other books. Here, they are just consolidated and contemplated on.

Comparing Lennon to Gandhi and Martin Luther King is a bit much. They made extreme sacrifices and Lennon was no politician. But he did have good ideas for peace and was a motivated activist. If you're into biographies of spiritually-minded celebrities (as I am) then this will fit nicely on your book shelf between last year's lite fare by Amy Grant and the biography of Alan Watts.

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Deaths of a King and an Angel

It's been a rough week for LA and the rest of the celebrity-worshipping world. Thursday morning brought the news that Farrah Fawcett had succumbed to cancer. I was really sad to hear this, although after having watched her documentary, it was clear she wasn't getting better. I grew up as a fan of Charlie's Angels and admired Farrah's performance in The Burning Bed, but I didn't really pay much attention to her until she got sick. I was then really impressed by her brave fight against cancer. It takes guts when you are a woman whose livelihood is based on looks to show yourself looking your worst. I know she will remain an inspiration to many, and she has definitely raised the awareness of anal cancer and cancer in general. If it can happen to Farrah, it can happen to any of us.

Thursday afternoon, poor Farrah was quickly eclipsed by the news that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital. TMZ reported he was dead. Legit news sites were just saying he was at the ER. Who to believe? Facebook and Twitter nearly collapsed under the avalanche of posting. We got nothing done at work discussing the drama. And then the surreal news that Michael was indeed dead came across the legit newswire.

I've never been a fan, not even when I was 10 years old and Thriller came out and all the other kids were wearing zipper jackets and one glove. I never bought the album. I don't dispute he's a musical genius, but his music wasn't really my bag. It's tough to make a saint out of someone who may have been a pedophile. Of course we will never know the truth, but there was certainly a lot of shady behavior and eccentricities. Still, my sympathy goes out to his children and family. This is definitely a loss to pop culture on the level of Elvis.

Some people seem surprised at the hysteria going on in the wake of Michael's death. We at Ape Culture are not surprised. We've been dealing with his hysterical fans for years. You see, they have taken umbrage over basically any article we've written that has been even slightly critical of Michael. And their hatemail attacks have often been vicious and personal. His fans are a breed apart. They have called us ugly and wished cancer on us. After a while, we were receiving so much hate mail from MJ fans, we decided to make it easy for them by creating the Michael Jackson Mad-as-Hell-Lib which automatically generates a hate mail.

Here is a representative example of the emails we received over the years (spelling errors left intact):

OK I REALLY HATE YOU GUYS FOR DOING THIS! MICHAEL IS THE BEST PERSON ON THIS PLANET AND HE ROCKS MY WORLD. STOP INSULTING HIM LIKE THAT! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF HE DID THAT TO YOU? I THINK YOU GUYS ARE JELEOUS BECAUSE HE HAS MONEY! AND AS FOR HIS LOOKS, LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! MIND YOUR OWN BUISNESS! DIDN'T YOU GET THE MESSAGE FROM HIS SONG "PRIVACY"? HE WAS ALWAYS THE BEST PERSON ON THIS PLANET AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE!!! HE IS A NICE, CARING, HELPING MAN. AND THATS ONLY THE FEW OF THE WORDS I CAN DESCRIBE HIM WITH. ANYWAYS ITS NOT LIKE YOU GUYS ARE REALLY BEAUTIFUL YOURSELVES THAT YOU DO THIS TO HIM!! I THINK YOU BETTER WRITE TO HIM AND APOLOGIZE!!! HE IS GREAT. I'M SORRY BUT I AM REALLY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. ANYWAYS YOU PEOPLE BETTER GET A LIFE, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! (OVIOUSLY) I DON'T GET IT WHAT HAS HE DONE TO YOU???? ANYWAYS IM GLAD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY.ONCE MORE I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, GET A LIFE, MORONS!!!!!!!!!
***** | 01.24.03 - 5:55 pm | #

We currently have 173 such comments on the site. You can read them all here.

So if you are hoping the hysteria will die down soon and we can just remember the music, think again. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

For the Ape Culture perspective on Michael through the years, check out:

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Getting Over the Michael Jackson Documentary

Be Michael in our Michael Jackson Choose-Your-Own-Celebrity-Adventure

A review of Michael's 30th Anniversary Television Special

Ape Culture Cares About Celebrities on Hard Times: The Oompa Loompa Clinic for Celebrities Suddenly Gone Wack

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I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here: Demons Were Coming Out of Me!

I really don't know where to begin.

When I heard that Sanjaya, Speidi, and Janice Dickinson were all going to be on this show, I knew I would be wasting time and brain cells on it.

My mind is just boggling at the religious conversion of Heidi and Spencer. I've watched most of The Hills, and I've never seen Heidi talk about her faith, other than wanting to get married in a church. I've seen her invoke Jesus on TMZ a few times, but usually she was praying to Jesus to get a record deal or something similar, with her tongue firmly implanted in her cheek (sorry, couldnt help putting "Heidi" and "implanted" in the same sentence). Now all of a sudden she is professing she wants to be the next Mother Theresa. Does she realize she would have to wear the same outfit everyday? She said her life's purpose is to do Jesus' will and He will make her His instrument. Hmm, somehow I don't think Jesus' big plan for her involves working for SBE and planning big parties.

Then we got to see Spencer baptized by Stephen Baldwin. And Heidi and Spencer spent a "dark night of the soul" in The Lost Chamber. This was the test they had to endure to be allowed back on the show. They prayed the whole time and Spencer had visions. Stephen Baldwin thinks Spencer's conversion is real, but the rest of the cast seems to have doubts. Yeah, I'm a Doubting Thomas about this, too.

Janice Dickinson is starting to look like the Cat Woman because she's had so much work. It's actually hard to look at most of the celebrities without makeup. Janice and Sanyaya have developed an odd bond.

Who's coming off the best? Well, John Salley has been pretty fun and stable, but he did go a bit far in name-calling with Janice. He had the classic line, "If Janice was on fire, I wouldn't pee on her." Frangela had some funny moments, but they mostly just laid around on their cots. Lou Diamond Phillips is strong but kinda boring. Patty Blagojevich is surprisingly normal.

Amazingly, I'd say Sanjaya is coming off the best. He has thrown himself in with gusto, cut his fauxhawk into a real mohawk, and embraced his primal self. He's eaten bugs and bull testicles. He's even been nurturing to Janice. Now Heidi may be aspiring to be a saint, but I think that act shows Sanjaya already is one.

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Nuts for Mutts 2009: The Quest for Shade

Hello fans,

I've come to realize I am not content with the 15 minutes of fame I received from being on Who Gets the Dog. Therefore, I'm always seeking the spotlight. Thus, I implore Coolia to register me for the Nuts for Mutts dog show each year. It's a fundraiser for New Leash on Life animal rescue. As a rescue dog myself, I heartily support the cause.

The dog show takes place at Pierce College in Woodland Hills. Even a D-list Dog like myself rarely ventures into "The Valley," but I make an exception for this show. The show inevitably happens on a boiling hot day, because, well, most days are boiling hot in The Valley.

Friends, you know that I am delicate, and my albino skin cannot take much direct sunlight, so today was a challenge for me. It was already hot when we arrived at 9:30am, and temps later climbed into the 90s. My first category was Best Smile. I refused to drink water before the event because I know I have to be panting in order to have a big smile. Being a star requires suffering and sacrifice. I thought the competition was fierce as every dog was panting and therefore smiling, but it turned out we all advanced to the Finals by default. There were only 10 dogs competing (out of possibly 25 slots) and 10 dogs get to go to the Finals. I consider this a rather hollow victory. I also noticed my teeth are getting a bit yellow as I'm now 5 years old. It may be time for Lumineers.

I took a break to relax in the shade with some of Coolia's friends, including Nerdia and BFF who brought along my good friend Franz. Franz was not competing, but he came to cheer me on. It always does a competitor good to have friendly faces in the crowd.

Next up for me was "Most Handsome - Medium Breed." This should be easy for me as I'm medium and damn handsome. I did notice I was up against some other pretty attractive dogs, including Bentley who was quite unusual, being half Bassett Hound and half English Bulldog. There were 12 dogs in the category and 10 of us advanced to the Finals - including me! The judge called me a stud. Coolia pointed out that Kimberly Caldwell, former American Idol contestant, was on hand for the judging of the early rounds. I yawned.

8 dogs braved the heat and stuck around for the finals of Most Handsome. I pranced into the ring, feeling this was my chance to grab a blue ribbon and make it to the Best in Show round. Debra Wilson, formerly of Mad TV was once again the emcee. She and I go way back. So, I was feeling comfortable. Then, Coolia squealed with glee when she found out Rip Taylor would be judging my category. I did not know who the old man with the funny moustache was, so Coolia informed me he had hosted The $1.98 Beauty Show. This didn't lend me much clarity. The other judges for my round were Anna Friel and Ian Somerhalder of Lost. Coolia said Ian was truly the Most Handsome. Down, girl!

I turned on the charm, but Coolia distracted Rip from admiring me by telling him a story about how the first musical she ever saw as a kid was Peter Pan at the Fabulous Fox Theater in St. Louis and he played Captain Hook. Rip said he remembered the show, and "I'm still at it, honey. Check me out at riptaylor.com!" He then did briefly examine me and pronounce me cute. Anna kept her distance, but Ian seemed captured by my whimsy.

The judges conferred. The suspense was killing me. Or maybe it was the heat. Debra took the microphone to announce the winners. She began humming "Frankenstein" so I knew she was talking about me as that is one of my namesake's songs. I got Third Place! I got a yellow ribbon! First place went to Bailey, a cocker spaniel-ish dog with a luxurious coat. Bailey was nice, so I won't talk trash about him, but the long hair does make him kinda look like a girl. I'm just sayin...

I enjoyed an air-conditioned ride back to the more civilized West Side of Los Angeles, happy with my ribbon but still setting my pink eyes on the prize of Best in Show -wait 'til next year!

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Attending an Osbournes: Reloaded Taping, or Journey to a Lower Circle of Hell

Julie and Dave being forced to applaud at a taping of The Osbournes: Reloaded


WARNING - Spoilers of upcoming episodes of The Osbournes: Reloaded

I've lived in LA long enough now to know that attending TV tapings is usually excruciatingly dull. You have to show up early and wait in line. There's a lot of herding. The studios are freezing. There's usually a bad warm-up comedian. And it will take at least 3 hours to tape a 30-minute show unless it's live like American Idol or a well-oiled machine like The Price is Right.

Occasionally, my fandom takes over and I forget this painful reality. Thus, I attended a taping of The Osboures: Reloaded. I somehow convinced my friend Christopher and boyfriend Dave to join me on this adventure.

We arrived about an hour before the taping and started the herding process. In the holding pen, we were asked to fill out questionnaires. We were told there would be some audience participation in the show and the chance to win stuff. So we had to answer things like "would you eat crickets for $50? $100? $500?" We also had to fill out some fun facts about ourselves. Once inside the studio, we were asked if we minded getting wet. We said we didn't. I figured this would mean Ozzy would spray the crowd with a fire hose, the way he does in concert. So because we were game, we got seats in the front row, off to the side.

And so the variety show began. The Osbournes took the stage with their dogs. Immediately, we could tell the writing was horrible. Due to a dispute with the Writer's Guild, the show was using non-union writers. Boy, did it show. The banter between the Osbournes was so cheesy and stilted that it made Sonny's and Cher's banter seem positively Shakespearean in comparison.

We were introduced to a super Fall Out Boy fan. She was shown a video of the band, allegedly sitting in her bedroom. She then was told she would get to go meet the band! A limo whisked her away. We later learned the bedroom was just a set, and when she got to her house, the band wasn't there. But never fear, she got back to the studio in time to see the band perform. The "superfan" tried to lipsynch along but didnt seem to know the words. She was clearly an actress, as was everyone brought on stage.

Another segment involved a girl and guy being picked from the crowd and asked to make out on stage, while blindfolded. For a second kiss, they swapped the cute young girl for an old lady. Hilarity ensued as we watched them kiss. Yuck. Again, all actors.

The kids didn't seem happy. Ozzy looked pretty miserable. Only Sharon seemed to be enjoying herself. I was reminded of the essay I wrote many moons ago when The Osbournes MTV show was all the rage - where I was upset at Sharon for turning Ozzy into a clown and worried that she was exploiting her kids who wouldn't handle fame well. I hate to say I told ya so. You could tell the only reason they were all on stage was because the check cleared. Sharon must want to redecorate one of the houses.

In another segment called "The Other Osbournes," the family hit the road to visit someone named Osbourne who is really into UFOs. This was kinda quirky but ultimately seemed like making fun of the mentally ill.

Another painful segment was called something like "Challenge Jack" and another allegedly random audience member was brought on stage to compete against Jack. They were put in tanks of supposedly freezing water and whoever failed to answer a question would have ice poured on top of them. The water was clearly not cold, and Jack's acting skills couldn't sell it.

The only funny segment of the show was a video segment where Ozzy was inserted into various films, like Pirates of the Caribbean. These bits have been used as show openers on Ozzfest for many years, and they are always hilarious. Ozzy can be very funny, when he's being himself, not reading off a script.

I was hoping that Ozzy and Kelly might sing a song together, or Ozzy would play with his band. This is a variety show, right? There should be music. Well, the only music was a song by Fall Out Boy. I was suprised at how collectively diminutive the band was. It wasn't great, but it did wake us up a bit.

At the end of the show, Ozzy took out the fire hose and sprayed the crowd. Christopher and I got soaked in foam, but somehow he totally missed the biggest target, Dave. No fair! We were then briefly toweled off but sent out into a chilly December evening in wet clothes. At concerts, Ozzy sprays the crowd because he's gotten the crowd worked up into a sweaty, yelling, tit-flashing frenzy. It feels good to get cooled off by his hose. Here it just felt like The Osbournes were pissing on us. The whole show was so utterly insulting, as was the experience of being in the audience. By the way, the questionairres we had labored over weren't used at all. Yes, the whole evening was a total waste of time.

After three hours of this torture, I again vowed never again to attend a TV taping, and expressed further sadness for Ozzy for having to be in this pathetic mess. Sharon uses him the way Colonel Tom used Elvis. I believe the show is scheduled for 6 episodes, but I'll be surprised if all 6 episodes actually air. The first episode aired last Tuesday, benefitting from the great lead-in of American Idol. Watching it, I noticed they showed our opening and the kiss segment. The other segments were cobbled together from other tapings. Ozzy and Sharon went on Howard Stern this week to promote the show, but Ozzy had nothing positive to say. He said he hoped the show would bomb so he wouldn't have to do it anymore. So do we, Ozzy, so do we.

When the show was annouced, Ozzy promised it would not be like Sonny and Cher. He's right. Sonny and Cher was actually entertaining.

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American Idol - Country Night

Michael Sarver - "Aint Goin Down Til The Sun Comes Up"

I'd agree with the judges that his memorization skills are impressive. But he didn't really seem like a great entertainer for me. His enthusiasm wasn't infectious. The song was kind of a novelty song and didn't show any range. He talked back to the judges in a nice way, but I still deduct points for any talking back.

Allison Iraheta - "Blame It On Your Heart"

Allison is one of my favorites, but I don't know if she has the total package to make it on this show. She's cute but kinda weird with the bright red hair, and she doesn't have Megan's gorgeousness. But she sure has a great voice. The song was kinda boring, but it definitely showcased her pipes.

Kris Allen - "To Make You Feel My Love"

Wow, I'm really liking Kris. He doesn't radiate a huge personality, but he's dreamy and his voice has a good range. This was a very tender and quiet performance, yet still confident and strong.

Lil Rounds - "Independence Day"

I liked this more than the judges. It was definitely awkward for Lil to have to do any country song, but I loved how she belted her way through the chorus. She also looked the best she's looked, and the dress and makeup were flattering. But then she nearly ruined it all for me with excessive sassing back to the judges. Ugh, do the contestants need a media trainer to tell them that this is never an attractive behavior? Take the criticism, say thank you, and walk off the stage.

Adam Lambert - "Ring of Fire"

Randy Travis was freaked out by Adam, and this performance freaked me out a bit, too. Like Simon, I felt it was self-indulgent. Adam comes off as very affected to me, and his Broadway performance style gets old fast. I truly believe he is better suited to playing on Broadway than being a pop star, and he would rock on Broadway. I no longer think he's going to make the Top 2. Even if he was high, Johnny Cash would have rolled his eyes at this version.

Scott MacIntyre - "Wild Angels"

I'd agree with the judges that this was very similar to Scott's performance from last week and didn't involve risk-taking. However, he's very pleasant to listen to, and I enjoy his performances, especially if I close my eyes and just listen. Scott loses points for talking back to the judges, too. I don't see him lasting too much longer.

Alexis Grace - "Jolene"

She wasn't nearly as sexy as last week, and she didn't really sell what should have been a perfect song for her, given her Dolly-esque demeanor and looks. She didn't make me believe the desperation of the song, so it came off very karaoke. I think she's a goner, although I do still like her.

Danny Gokey - "Jesus Take the Wheel"

Danny is very likable, but this was kind of an odd song choice. The jacket was not a good choice either. He looked very dorky, but then dorks have won this show before (ie, Taylor Hicks). It was another strong performance but not a particularly memorable one.

Anoop Desai - "Always On My Mind"

Yay, Anoop! I like this kid, so I was glad he redeemed himself tonight with a powerful and original version of this old chestnut. He didn't back off from picking a signature song even though he got slammed last week for doing "Beat It." But instead of being an imitator, he became an innovator. The performance was confident, tender, and powerful.

Megan Joy Corkrey - "Walking After Midnight"

I hope viewers will realize the limitations that come along with life choices like tattoo sleeves. While Megan had a very pretty dress, it looked kind of ridiculous when paired with her sleeve. I thought this performance was horrible, and she seemed very stiff. I was ready to write her off, until the judges pointed out she was deathly ill and quite a trooper to be performing. That news and her prettiness should be enough to get her another week.

Matt Giraud - "So Small"

Matt is definitely likable and he's got a Billy Joel vibe going on. He keeps it real. I like the dude. I wasn't crazy about the song choice, but he was still one of the best of the night.


Predictions

Bottom 3 - Megan, Allison, Alexis
Going home - Alexis

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