More Celebrity Fear

Due to a move, I’m behind on reviewing Celebrity Paranormal Project. No matter. Every episode is the same. The big-talking gal always performs the biggest histrionics in dark, shows over-involve re-enactments of crimes scenes, overactive ghost-meters and spirit writing, and the final séance is repetitive and freaks everyone and they high-tail it out of there much the same way.

Episode two cast:
Rachel Hunter: from the reality show that is Rod Stewart’s Parade of Blonde Wives.
Godfrey: from Zoolander; for a comedian showed no sense of humor.
Traci Bingham: from Baywatch; misbehaved on Surreal Life; wears too much makeup for this show.
Tony Little: “America’s Personal Trainer;” most annoying character.
Ethan Zohn: from Survivor: Africa. Seemed like a normal guy.

Location: Warson Asylum for the criminally insane.
Ghost: Pearl, had a lobotomy, is pissed off.

Here are the stats:
Screamers/Losers: Godfrey left Rachel in the dark rubber room. He gets the biggest Wuss award.
Bawling Girls: Traci Bingham whined: “I can’t do it” a lot.
Kick-ass Girl: Even when scared, Rachel kept her cool and never cried or crapped out on a challenge. She also worked hard to calm Traci. I guess if the ghost of Rod Stewart’s dead career doesn’t scare you, nothing else will.
Bad Behavior: Rachel says F**k ad naseum.
Realistic Scare: On Rachel’s recording device, you can allegedly hear the mumblings of Pearl.

Episode three cast:
Joe Piscopo: 80s comedian from Saturday Night Live.
Mariel Hemingway: Granddaughter of Ernest, bad 80s movie actress.
Picaboo Street: Olympian.
Tonya Coley: from Real World
Michael Bergin: from Baywatch. Baywatch is the most over-represented show on CPP.

Location: A Prison

This was the most boring episode of them all. I took barely any notes.

Here are the stats:
Kick-ass Girl: Mariel
Bad Behavior: All of them were annoying in the home-base banter. Realistic Scare: Mariel having to walk the upper floor of Cell Block C: truly scary.

Episode four cast:
Traci Lords: show calls her actor. Absolutely no mention of her porn past. Traci had opinionated thoughts about Kimberly going to be the scardy-cat. The reverse was the case.
Gilbert Gottfried: comedian, voice of the AFLAC duck; really funny in the first 15 minutes of the show.
Jerimiah Trotter: NFL linebacker; true gentleman; kept his cool.
Kimberley Caldwell: TV host – don’t have a clue who she is.
Evan Farmer: TV personality – don’t have a clue who he is.

Location: Warson insane asylum in New England.
Ghost: Ghost of Ray, a violent schizophrenic who committed suicide here.

This was the best cast. They all showed affectionate camaraderie from the beginning when they made horror film references walking in. Maybe a love connection was make between Evan and Kimberly. I loved how they all gave love to Ray, the tortured ghost, as they left, too.

Here are the stats:
Screamers/Losers: Kimberly screamed the loudest but it was Gilbert Gottfried who silently chickened out at the end.
Bawling Girls: Traci Lords freaked out a lot but to her credit, she kept trying and admitted at the end (the first celebrity to do so on the show) that it was probably all in her own head.
Kick-ass Girl: Kimberly got seriously freaked at the end but she never ran and she always laughed about the situations. Kimberly also told Traci “you can do it” when Traci was too scared to sit in the old wheel chair.
Realistic Scare: None

Episode five cast:
David Carradine: from Kung Fu and Kill Bill; he didn’t meld with the group and seemed anti-social. He brought his flute to the initial meeting and said “reality is an unsubstantiated rumor,” something people smoking pot say.
Mia St. John: Pro boxer. Had opinionated thoughts that Bridget would be the biggest wimp. The inverse turned out to be the case.
Andrew Firestone: one of the Bachelors.
Coolio: Rapper; very down to earth and smart. When he arrived at the mill he said “thank God for hip-hop” or he’d of had to work in a mill like this.
Bridget Marquardt: Playboy model; admitted thrill-seaker.

Location: Mill
Ghost: John Tanner, tyrant boss hired by owner. This location actually had the best backstory. The boss terrorized the employees and had a torrid affair with the owner's wife. John mysteriously died when his arm got ripped out by a machine and he bled to death. This was days after the owner found out about the affair. Later the owner was found dead mysteriously and violently. His body was found mangled in a picker machine. His arm no where to be found. There was no power in the Mill at that time.

Here are the stats:
Screamers/Losers: Mia. Likes to point fingers but she is the biggest wuss.
Kick-ass Girl: Bridget does the scariest tasks. The other’s call her tough. Says she didn’t feel anything.
Realistic Scare: None

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"Fear" with Celebrities

I gleefully volunteered to cover weekly episodes of Celebrity Paranormal Project as I was happily addicted to its mother show, Fear, which aired on MTV in the late 90s. A handful of impressionable youths, (25 years old and under – me and my co-worker Justin checked it out), were left alone to investigate haunted places with ineffectual flashlights and ghost-hunting gadgets hanging off their backs. You never got the impression the ghosts were anything more than pranks played by sadistic producers, but the show was still scary. The kids screamed like they were having the bejesus scared out of them. I rooted for the girls, hoping a few would show some backbone in front of the boys (who got freaked, too, but maintained their composure). Most girls went to jelly right away, never making it overnight to collect the measly 3k offered as a reward. The show disappeared like an apparition itself until recently. VH1 played homage on season 3 of Surreal Life. I fondly remember Charo screaming down the halls of some derelict building. Now celebs have been matched to Fear fulltime. It’s a brilliant media morph and makes you wonder how far VH1 can push desperate celebs in hard times.

Sent to the famously haunted tuberculosis sanitarium, Waverly Hills, in Kentucky (The Ghost Hunters have already been here), Gary Busey, Toccara (a model from America’s Next Top Model), Donna d’Errico (an original babe from Babywatch), Jenna Morasca (winner of Survivor Amazon), and Hal Sparks (comedian from Talk Soup) started the show with a decidedly C-level cast. In fact, I don’t know any of the celebs except Gary Busey, but I feel he’s scary enough to carry the show. We heard crazy talk about his spirit abilities he claimed to have received after his motorcycle accident. He hugged everyone in the cast which he said was a “blessing of his energy.” He tried to calm scared celebs by telling them Jesus was their savior. But we got a glimpse of his un-Chirstian-like temper in a “shut the F. up” altercation with Toccara. To her credit, she wasn't intimidated at all. Later in the show Gary makes a questionable comment about the color quality of the shadow people who walk the haunted halls. He says “black ones are the bad ones,” a comment which doesn’t go unnoticed by Toccara.

Toccara is there for a scary experience – and she leaves empty handed. She is the true skeptic on the show. And I like her for it….until she says “What's tuberculosis?” Frankly, that scares me. The boys explain it to her – none of the girls pipe up. Hold the ghosts; I’m darn tooten terrified by now.

Hal, the comedian, calls himself a professional jerk; but he must not be a good one because he did nothing particularly jerky on the show, except make a lot of bad jokes.

And Jenna Morasca can survive the Amazon amongst a bunch of back-stabbing contestants but she’s the first to crumble when she hears a noise in the dark. What’s scarier: starvation or a little red ball finding its way into the hall?

Much of the same hoopla of Fear has returned, including hyperbolic props (a spirit scroll looked more like something made by Parker Bros.), abandoned, paint-peeled locales, an ominous computer program that spits out directions to the cast, and funny camera angles to capture their blood curdling screams. However, nothing happens that isn’t explainable as a behind-the-scenes prank. The computer claims a door has been left shut. The celebrities find it open. Do they think maybe the crew has been screwing around? Never. Either they've been coached to freak out or they truly are Gullible Gilligans.

Here are the stats:
Screamers: Donna screams the loudest.
Bawling Girls: Donna and Jenna both start to cry.
Bad Behavior: Busey pushes a team member out of the way to comfort Jenna. He also bullies the team into choosing the 5th floor as the haunted heart of the sanitarium.
Realistic Scare: After spirit writing, Hal and Jenna both feel cold and nauseous and want to throw up. Busey says, “Spiritual writing, buddy -- it's never wrong.”

At the end, the cast uses the spirit scroll to ask the spirits to “go and leave us in peace,” an insulting request really. Who went calling on the ghosts in the first place?

I could have sworn I saw preview footage of Gary Busey throwing furniture around a room? What happened to that? Gary claims this show is imperative to watch. Hal claims Gary is the scariest part of the show. Gary talks about the ghosts, “When you get afraid, they’ll tease you.”

Stay tuned next week for more C-listers and Rachel Hunter!

This show gets under your skin. When The Edgar Winter Dog growled in his sleep last night, I sat right up.

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