American Idol - C. Crumpet Swank Attends the Live Top 12 Show

Coolia very kindly invited me to join her for the historic taping of American Idol 7: The Top Twelve Sing the Lennon/McCartney Songbook [a.k.a. AI7: TTTSLMS]. We camped out in front of the iconic CBS Television Studio in beautiful Hollywood, CA on a breezy, sunshiney 70 degree afternoon. Coolia arrived first and impressively claimed position #31 in line—a very choice square of sidewalk. Ever the tardy gentleman, I was precluded from arriving at the same time by some business on the Westside.

During our wait we became best buds with two nice girls from Santa Cruz who flew down for the taping. The four of us bonded over celebrity trade rags. We contemplated the apocalyptic import of the appalling Kardashian girls having their own television show for no apparent reason, and collectively chortled at the sight of K-Fed caught on camera playing golf in a nice horizontally-striped polo shirt, all the better to show off his recent 30 lb. weight gain. The turbulent existence of Heidi Montag was explained to me as well.

Not that we had to look inside US magazine for some outlandish pseudo-celebrities to admire. Who was that woman just ahead of us in line—she looked so familiar? Tell me if you know her: sixty years old, frosted rooster ’do (not unlike Cher’s famous coif from 1979), huge earrings, garish make-up. Don’t know her? Maybe a description of the outfit will help…a truly layered ensemble, the foundation of which was a Capri style black body suit which did little to camouflage the extra 30-40 lbs. being carried around the lady’s apple-shaped waist. The catsuit was layered with a very sensible denim mini and a black cobweb style top (I’m not sure what the right word is—large lace; macramé; fishnet?). Very Madonna 1984, but without creative flourishes. Oh, and of course, black boots.

Although I couldn’t rightfully call her “Leatherface,” unlike some celebs (did you catch Cameron Diaz at this year’s Oscars?), I do feel comfortable referring to her forthwith as “Bacon-chest.”

There were countless numbers of Lana Clarkson’s (R.I.P.) too--fading starlet types who still shop in the junior departments because they’re thin (irrespective of their looming 45^th birthdays). You know them--the trim bitchy gals who fancy themselves soignée, yet feel compelled to wear too much make-up and must have their straw-like hair colored and streaked so that it is that perfectly fake looking combination of red, blonde and brunette that they think is hip/chic. What a sad bunch.

Once we made it inside we were relieved to find ourselves among those offered actual seats, as opposed to a spot in the new mosh pit at the front of the theatre. While I wouldn’t say we were exhausted from waiting for admission, the thought of standing for two more hours, regardless of how close it put us to Amanda Overmyer’s torturous spittle, was not appealing. Plus, even those people in the very last row had a magnificent view of everything. Contrary to what you see on TV the Idol soundstage is not big at all—smaller than most junior high school auditoriums, in fact. Call it the “Price is Right” effect in terms of editing and camera angles.

By the way, Ryan Seacrest is one lucky bastard. The show has permitted him to launch himself into stratospheric riches and media ubiquity and most of what he does is read from a teleprompter. Oh yes, and he gets shepherded around the stage to his every cue by a gruff (lesbian?) showrunner with whom he playfully wrestles during commercial breaks, right up until 2 seconds before the broadcast returns—that Ryan, what a card!

Unfortunately we were not seated next to anyone famous, or even quasi-famous--unlike the last time Coolia and I attended, an occasion on which I had the pleasure of sitting beside Simon’s harridan-voiced, but comely, girlfriend Terri, who was only two seats removed from Simon and the other judges. Our friends from Santa Cruz, however, had the distinct pleasure of sitting directly behind Bacon-chest and only one row behind none other than…drum roll please… Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, and Mama Kardashian (!), who was wearing an awesome, canary-yellow smock dress that was to die for, but which, in typical Hollywood fashion, was too youthful for her to carry off.

Regardless of their fashion choices, these three wannabes got plenty of up-close-and-personal love from Ryan, Simon and Paula during one of the commercial breaks (Randy wisely abstained). Ryan is chummy with them because they and he owe part of their livelihood to the shilling of E! and I guess he has roped Simon and Paula into their Armenian vortex as well. Personally, I think that any woman who deliberately misspells her daughters already insufferable names, Kourtney and Khloe, deserves to be executed (as well as the offensively named daughters, of course). That would leave only Kim standing, who rightfully spells her name with a K, but I’m sure she can go on making sex tapes without the help and guidance of her mother and sisters.

Now, on to the performances…

SYESHA gave another solid, but buzz-lacking performance. I turned to Coolia and immediately predicted that she (Syesha, not Coolia!) would be in the Bottom Three. Her position as the first singer would not help her fortunes on a night of twelve performances, especially if she didn’t turn it out, which indeed she didn’t.

CHIKEZIE redeemed himself for all his unmemorable vocals, obnoxious antics and poor sartorial choices over the last few weeks. He really connected with the live audience on this one and it was a pleasure to see how jazzed up he was at the judges’ unanimous embrace of his performance. He took a song I didn’t know and turned it into a contagious joy.

CARLY knocked it out of the park. It turned out to be the best performance of the night, and, in my not-so-humble opinion, the best performance of any song by any contestant during the entirety of AI7 thus far. And I’m not even that much of a Carly fan.

DAVID HERNANDEZ made the worst song choice of the night. He is the best male singer in the Top Twelve, but what an error in judgment on this one! In the hopes of establishing some hetero cred amidst the news of his fully-nude shenanigans as a professional stripper/lap-dancer at a gay club, he felt compelled to choose a song about falling in love with a girl, but instead of picking something that was going to show off his stellar R&B voice, he selected the vocally inconsequential “I Saw Her Standing There” and then proceeded to muck it up by smothering it in vocal embellishments (a very gay thing to do!) to prove his vocal talents. The judges rightfully pointed out this latter offense, and I again turned to Coolia and predicted that he would be in the Bottom Three, barring outright disasters from the remaining contestants. As much as I blanched at the thought of him going home as soon as Wednesday, I knew that he would take it like a man—after all, he already has had experience as a bottom.

RAMIELE has a warm, strong, technically impressive voice which will sound great when recorded, but I just don’t think she has enough emotional grist to transform any song into something special. Her demeanor when not on stage just reinforces this conviction. She’s a 17 year-old who has the emotional sophistication of a 10 year-old and it shows when she sings. Listen to Bette Midler’s version of “In My Life” and you will see what an impact some interpretive skill can have in tackling this song.

JASON For all the reasons which I will soon enumerate that make Brooke White such a refreshing blast of air (and formidable contender) the same should apply to Jason Castro, yet I feel like the symmetry is waning. Four weeks into the competition there is a same-iness to what he’s doing that is less compelling than what his female cognate, Brooke, is offering us. He needs to steal a page from her playbook.

BROOKE is my favorite of the season and I hope she wins. If she keeps up with performances like “Let It Be” (and all her others preceding), she might very well win, despite not having a strong voice in terms of multi-octave range or the ability to sustain long notes. What she does have going for her is manifold: a genuine connection with her material; a wonderfully scratch/raspy quality that sneaks into her phrasing; musical chops (that ole guitar, piano and glockenspiel talent); a pretty face, great legs, and no (apparent) vanity; plus an endearing presence when not singing (e.g., the clip “packages”; listening to the judges’ criticism; etc.). She has not made one false move yet. And I love the notion that an American Idol contestant doesn’t have to have the biggest voice in the world in order to win. Let’s give the brilliance of such “small-voiced” but amazing singers such as Suzanne Vega and Julie London their due. Heck, even Billie Holiday was “small-voiced” when set beside Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Go Brooke, go Brooke!!!

MICHAEL Simon really got it right. Michael Johns is totally coasting and needs to step up his game. Or maybe he can’t? He’s so ripe with promise, but has yet to WOW us. That snippet of his startling “Bohemian Rhapsod” during Hollywood week has left us wanting more, but not getting it…yet. The women of America want to know, as is their just due, will he be able to deliver? Coolia has said that she thinks Michael is better suited to fronting a band, rather than being a solo star, and I think she’s right. It doesn’t mean that band singers are less charismatic or less-talented; it’s just that they exude a certain energy which profits from interaction with the band. He will have to relinquish his front-runner status unless he gives us a little sumpin’ sumpin’ soon.

AMANDA really worked the stage and made you think, I could watch her do her thing for an entire evening. A lot of contestants can’t claim that. (Would you really want to attend a Ramiele-only concert? I didn’t think so.) Amanda’s voice is gravelly great, but I still question whether she has sufficient interpretive and technical skills to liberate her from doing the same type of song over and over. I disagree with Simon’s opinion that this performance was weaker than last week’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You.” She was far more focused in her energy and delivery this week. It remains to be seen how long she can survive, since she is perhaps the most “love-her-or–loathe-her” contestant. And if Carly continues to so effortlessly offer up amazing renditions of rock songs, Amanda may have some of her votes siphoned away by the bonnie lass.

DAVID COOK I really liked the inventive, Depeche Mode-worthy arrangement of “Eleanor Rigby” and his spirited delivery of it, but with each passing week he strikes me as more and more of a poseur. The judges were all over Robbie Carrico’s ass for not being a “real” rocker, but is David Cook a real rocker? He’s more like a rock avatar, if you ask me. He fits the part, but isn’t the real deal. He’s in love with the notion of being a rock star, without organically being one. Does that make sense? That issue aside, I do have to say that on this number he showed some vocal prowess that we hadn’t heard before (sustained sung—as opposed to yelled--notes; key changes: etc.,) but still, I think his voice lacks a certain distinctive tone compared to Chris Daughtry, Bo Bice, or even Phil Stacey for that matter.

KRISTY LEE Poor Kristy Lee!!! She takes the judges advice to heart (“Kristy darling, you would be wise to pursue the county angle”) and then all three rip her a new one with the most collectively negative criticism of the night for doing so. Let’s lay the blame where it should be—on Ricky Minor for that maniacally fast arrangement. Even Jennifer Beals wouldn’t have been able to keep up with that. Given the ridiculous speed, I thought Kristy did a decent job, but she did come across as especially nervous. Then again, who wouldn’t, trying to keep up with that rollercoaster of an arrangement? This particular song aside, Kristy does seem to have the greatest lack of confidence among all the Top 12 contenders, and she needs to get over that quick if she’s going to fight her way to the middle of the pack. At this point it seems inconceivable that she could rise higher than 8^th or 9^th position. As to whether the song she chose even lends itself to any type of county arrangement, I have to disagree with the judges’ insistence that it doesn’t. It does, just not such a frenetic one.

DAVID ARCHULETA And so the boy wonder stumbleth… Finally some deflation of all the hoopla and an opportunity to let this truly be a competition. Amen.

The voting numbers were flashed one last time, we were forced to “fake clap” to address some technical issues, and the lights went up…

On the way out we had the pleasure of chatting briefly with Ross the Intern who has maintained the weight loss he achieved on Celebrity Fit Club. He looked great. I told him he looked fabulous, and I meant it. He can now give any twink a run for his money-- he’s finally “the bottom with quite a bottom” that he knew he could be! Plus, he was just as sweet in person as you would expect.

I also got some love from Chikezie’s Mom. When we were filing out of the studio and walking back to our cars I told her her son was great that night (which he was!) and then asked her who she thought might be going home, since undoubtedly her boy was safe. Ever the Nigerian diplomat, she politely declined to hazard a guess. What a lady!

In closing I would like to share with you my favorite memory of AI7: TTTSLMS. Midway through the show, in a rare moment of total studio silence, I yelled out “Paula, we love you!” and she very graciously turned around and said to me, “I love you too!” Ask Coolia--that ain’t nothing but the truth. I felt as if I could dance like there was no tomorrow… And indeed, I still am.

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American Idol - C. Crumpet Swank's Predictions

Here's my guess for the Top 12 final rankings:

1. David Archuleta
   That kid can sing. And he's like your little brother.
   
2. Brooke White
   She is the shrewdest female in terms of picking the right material, which, as the judges have always said, is the single most important aspect of the competition. She knows her limitations vocally and wisely plays to her strengths. No one ever said that the highest ranking female in an American Idol season need have the vocal power of Mariah or Celine or Christina, even though in seasons past such women have risen to the Top [Kelly, Katharine, Carrie]. I think this will be the season when a girl with a more modest voice proves that there's more to being a legitimately wonderful singer than a 5 octave range. Think the Idol version of Julie London or Norah Jones. Plus, Brooke is humble, musically assured (piano, guitar, glockenspiel), and totally attractive without looking like a Barbie doll. It is my hope that she unseats David A. for a surprise victory.
   
3. Michael Johns
   Sexiest male idol contestant ever? Heaps of charm. Lots of stage presence. Very good singer. Needs to show a bit more range; every performance thus far has been cut from the same cloth. Did I mention how S E X Y he is? Teenage girls across American right now are discovering the joys of masturbatory fantasy with visions of Michael J. resplendent in their heads. When do we find out if he sports chest hair or not?
   
4. Carly Smithson
   Excellent singer, but in the end, I don't think anyone wants their American Idol to be Irish. Regardless, she will get a chance to record a follow-up to her major label debut flop.
5. David Hernandez
   I think he's a wild card and will rise through the ranks like Elliot Yamin [whom no one would have pegged for a #3 placing at the outset of his season]. Oddly enough, David is the best soul singer in the Top 12, even though he's white. Once Chikezie and Syesha are gone, soul-lovers can root for David or Ramiele depending on their gender preference. I don't think the male stripper thing is going to penetrate (no pun intended) the American consciousness enough to hinder him. Even though he's gay, you can't really tell from his mannerisms, so that will not cost him any votes, unlike Danny.
   
6. Jason Castro
   Even though I think he's incredibly charming, both on- and off-stage, I'm not convinced his voice has enough personality to let him go all the way to the top. Also, will the young Moms of America (ages 30-40) vote for him even though they find the dreads skanky?
7. Ramiele Malubay
   Strong voice, but lacks stage presence; she seems a little stiff. And there will come a point where we finally adjust to that huge voice coming out of that little body and the juxtaposition will cease to earn her votes born from marvel and wonder. Plus, no sex appeal--she seems like a 10 year old; a Filipino Bratz doll? Then again, perhaps I am underestimating the power of the Filipino/Asian/Islander voting bloc which catapulted Jasmine Freaking Trias into the Top 3 over LaToya London a few years back. It still rankles me. So yes, she could end up in the Top 5, though I don't think she deserves it, from the performer vs. singer angle.
   
8. Kristy Lee Cook
   Being a tomboy cursed with the body and face of a supermodel actually causes her problems as a singer, because she's not fully comfortable on stage physically. I think she will continue to have difficulty reconciling what people expect of her personality/manner/style with who she is. She will optimize her chances if she mines the country vein for all it's worth. Unlike in seasons past, she is the only singer in the Top Ten with country-market potential. I think confidence is a problem, too. Her nerves may get to her. I like her way better than Haley Scarnato as the resident "gorgeous girl," but I think she will peter out around the same time.
   
9. David Cook
   His main competition is Michael, who will instead prevail as the de rigeur rocker of the bunch. Plus, everyone I know thinks Cook is a poser/Daughtry rip-off. His "feeling" when he sings seems very calculated. He's not very authentic. Rock to him is a game of dress-up and play more than anything else. There's nothing wrong with that being an element of one's mission/persona as a singer, but it can't be the engine.
   
10. Amanda Overmyer
    Rocker-voiced girls--Melissa McGhee, Jessica Sierra, Gina G.--have never climbed higher than #9, and Carly will be able to siphon some of the rocker vote from Amanda if she takes heed and sticks with songs like Crazy on You. Plus, Amanda seems like the most "love-her-or-loathe-her" figure this season and you can't get far without some uniform support. Plus, her lack of graciousness in accepting the judges' kudos the other night was not appealing and will definitely turn people off if she continues to react in that way to their praise. Smile, indeed!
    
11. Syesha Mercado
    Syesha and Ramiele are stylistically the same and people will invariably prefer Ramiele's tweeness to Syesha's regal self-satisfaction. It seems impossible that there wouldn't be a black singer in the Top Ten, but I think it may actually pan out that way, since David H. and Ramiele are essentially R&B singers, and better and more likable than Syesha and Chikezie.
    
12. Chikezie Eze
    I loved this guy in his initial audition and have since done a complete 180. He's insufferable, old-looking, not handsome, a shrill dresser, a hammy singer, a mouthy jerk, and he thinks he's a far better singer than he actually is. Mark my words, cheesy Chikezie will not be part of the Summer Idol tour.
    

GO BROOKE! GO BROOKE!

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American Idol - C. Crumpet Swank on the Top 12 Boys

General notes:

• Everyone knows I am a big Paula fan, but she looked terrible both nights--really tired. And her commentary was particularly inarticulate; again, on both nights. She came across as slow-witted.
• I appreciated that they gave the judges quite a bit of time to comment; moreso than usual, I thought.
• Simon was frank, accurate and a breath of fresh air, keeping the criticism tethered in reality. I particularly liked how he repeatedly presented his comments in relation to the large enterprise of the show and the concept of being a professional singer and/or pop idol. Out of 24 performances there were perhaps only two where I felt he missed the boat.

Performances

---

• David Hernandez - Totally agree with Terry and Simon--he started off incredibly strong and then just got weaker. He seemed really nervous and it hampered his performance. Its odd that he got more nervous as the song went on, particularly since he started so well. He has a strong Yamin-like voice; he needs to get more comfortable on stage.
• Chikezie Eze - He has one of the best voices among the guys but his performance was so "fake"--the constant smile, faux suavity, etc.--that it really prevented me from enjoying his voice. Plus, the song itself was kind of schmaltzy and boring. Add all that together with the ghetto suit (he's from Inglewood--five minutes from my house--and I bet you I know where he got his threads!) and I was left cold. His indignation at Simon's comments were beyond the pale, too. Shut up, Chikezie! Listen graciously and fume privately. Lastly, I don't like the hubris of him eliminating his last name and simply going by "Chikezie." Who the hell does he think he is? Plus, part of the fun is that his first name rhymes so niftily with his last name--he should be happy for that. Everyone likes to say "Chikezie Eze"--it makes the mouth feel good. "Chikezie"--not so much. And let's be real; at the end of the day, there are only two people who really deserve to get away with the one-word name--Cher and Madonna. (Then again, when Mary finally releases "Licky, Licky" I am going to encourage her to take the single-moniker route.)
• David Cook - I like him. I like how gave this song such an original treatment. He pushes through a bit; doesn't have the best voice among the men, but that's okay since his showmanship, ease, and personality contribute a great deal. He reminds me of Nadia Turner in this way. Terry's right about the hair.
• Jason Yeager - Boring! Boring! Boring! Nice, yet totally unremarkable voice. Simon's comments were spot on. This is not Perry Como Idol. What a wasted opportunity for this guy. He blew it.
• Robbie Carrico - I think his voice is really good, and he's confident. A real natural performer. I admired too that he didn't go over the top--his restraint worked to his advantage. Nice arrangement for the song, too. I think he will be this season's Chris Richardson--reliable and improving every week. Only downside--that massive underbite seriously cuts down on the cuteness factor.
• David Archuletta - Our first pube-free winner of Idol? But seriously, he's really cool! He gets into the song so deeply and commits so fully and it's so fun watching that level of poise and hearing that great voice come from that unassuming package. If you told me he was 12 I would believe you. Second only to Castro this evening.
• Danny Noriega - I totally disagree with Simon and Terry. I thought this was one of the best performances of the night and he is safe. Danny looked great with the skinny-wear and had tremendous showmanship; I was totally invested in the performance. And that was probably the most difficult song to sing of the night because it's so wordy and demands such high energy. I thought he pulled it off beautifully and "made it his own." ;-) Now we need to hear him sing a song which lets him have more freedom with his voice. I also thought his head snap to Simon was endearing--sassy, but not petulant. It was meant be funny, not disgruntled, and he pulled it off. He needs to not push it too much though--the sass factor, that is. Because you know girlfriend can dish it up!
• Luke Menard - Wake me up when it's over. So boring! And unlike Yeager, Luke seemed tentative with his vocals. Randy was right about him never settling comfortably into the song. The only thing that is going to save him this week is his looks. If he sticks around this week he will certainly not make it to the overall Top 12.
• Colton Berry - Solid but not amazing. I will be curious to see if/how he can develop over the course of the show. Please youtube me when he shows up on Ellen.
• Garrett Haley - This kid freaks me out. He looks like a feminine version of Melissa Etheridge crossed with Geddly Lee! His non-singing presense is totally awkward and socially retarded. What a mess! He struck me as the kind of outcast/misfit from whom Columbine-like things occur. I couldn't disagree more strenuously with Terry about Garrett getting tons of teeny bopper girl votes. He (Garrett, not Terry) is like a socially maladjusted hermaphrodite--even eleven-year old girls will have the good sense to stay away from him. Why, Terry, why? Just because he has an abundance of hair? Lank, mousey, poorly-cut hair? Please don't insult the girls of America with your underestimation of their taste in boys. Also note too that his left eye sits much higher in his head than his right. That same phenomenon works for Shannon Doherty, but not here, I'm afraid. The ever-so-slight dander over the upper lip--eeewwww. His girly speaking voice--no thanks. Lest you thing I'm some sort of meanie, I aver that I could put all of these social and visual miscues aside if he was an amazing singer, but, let's face it, he also turned in the weakest vocal performance of the night! No one came close. How on earth did he make it into the Top 24?!?!?
• Jason Castro - Totally, completely, utterly charming. His face just lights up when he sings. You want to watch. He's clearly invested in the music. Forgive me if this sounds corny, but you can tell music is key to his heart and soul; that being a pop star is almost neither here nor there for him. He just loves and respects music and feels privileged to share it and live it. How refreshing! [In some ways he reminds me of Taylor without all the down-in-the-Delta flourishes.] The best male performance of the night
• Michael Johns - I totally agree with Terry. It was okay--it just doesn't compare with the original. Not nearly as good as his Bohemain Rhapsody. His weakest performance of the four we've seen thus far. But he has charisma, charm and good looks in spades, and we know he can sing from the previous episodes. A definite frontrunner. He's like a cross between Pat Monahan of Train and Michael Hutchence. Delicious!

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American Idol - Livin' Lakisha Loca

Performances


Melinda Doolittle - "Sway"

Coolia: She looked great in that slimming dress with nice hair. Still, she's not able to really be sexy as J. Lo ordered her to be. As always, a good vocal, and nice comeback to Simon's criticisms - funny without being arrogant. Her comment showed more personality than her performance.
Art Haarper: The background singers were pretty good. Actually, she wasn't bad.
Deb: Her hair looked better (not a good sign when comments start off about their looks). I guess I'm getting a little bored. She sounds the same each week, no suprise. She comes off as too old to me....not so American Idol.
Terry: Another excellent vocal but lacked the "Latin" pizazz and just seemed too Cabaret (damn I wish Simon would stop copying me!!). But, excellent Cabaret.
C. Crumpet Swank: I thought this was the best female vocal of the evening. She was smooth and sexy, if perhaps a little bit too controlled. I thought she looked absolutely gorgeous--clothes, make-up, hair, everything, and the glam look suited the song. But then again, the success of the look was a double-edged sword insofar as its glam formality exacerbated the continuing problem she has with looking too old. (I like Nerdia’s theory that she is actually 11th-place finisher Stephanie Edwards’s birth mother.)
Nerdia: I did like her hair....for an old gal.


Lakisha Jones - "Conga"

Coolia: This didn't really work for me. The dress was hideous and too tight. Back fat lapping over the top is just never attractive, especially when it jiggles as one stomps around the catwalk. She just seemed awkward, even though the vocal was good as always. I fear she could get booted for this, so I voted for her 10 times (no busy signals).
Art Haarper: There wasn't any range to it. It was all the same thing.
Deb: Good song choice, fun. She seemed winded at times trying to keep up with the song. Overall good performance.
Terry: Sorry, but the jiggling back fat was a bit distracting. I wish she'd stop trying to get all gussied up and just be herself. Beyond that, I thought that she added a bit of a Donna Summer-esque disco flavor to the vocals. Good but not great.
C. Crumpet Swank: The dress was way too small. She needs to get some advice from Queen Latifah on how to dress her ample and not unpleasant curves. She sang the song well, but as the judges pointed out, this is not a singer’s song, insofar as the vocal being particularly challenging. Bad choice and especially not good when you’re one of the first to sing, which is a voting handicap itself. I am a LaKisha fan, and I am worried for her; she was in the Top Three last week, but this week I think she’s headed for the Bottom Three.
Nerdia: I too am worried about my favorite contestant. She looks so defeated all the time. And her performances had successively lost more and more life.


Chris Richardson - "Smooth"

Coolia: The music drowned him out a bit, but he was indeed smooth and sexy. It was kinda hot even if he's still sorta generic to me.
Art Haarper: He wouldn't make it as a Vegas lounge singer.
Deb: Love this song. I had trouble hearing him a bit over all the music. Second half of the song was much better. He needs to bring on more of the big vocals. Good job. I'm becoming more of a fan each week.
Terry: A nice take with a bit of a hipper flavor added to the vocals, but I'm just not impressed with him any more. He has a nice range but no projection. It's like he can only sing in whispers...and I don't care for that.
C. Crumpet Swank: I thought this was effective. He "owned it," to use the general parlance of Randy and Paula. Indeed, Chris has grown on me as the season has developed. I am partial to nasal voices (Stevie Nicks, Susanna Hoffs, and of course, Paula Abdul!), but even so, I agreed with the judges earlier in the season that Chris was too nasal in his performances. I think he’s getting it under control, however, and hitting the sweet spot now. I also love watching his face when he sings; his eyebrows in particular--there’s real feeling to them, and I’m not being sarcastic. Lastly, I enjoy his demeanor the most of all the contestants when the judges hand down their verdicts. When he’s given kudos he looks pleased as punch in the best way, as opposed to the standard:

1. "Really? Aw shucks" looks of Melinda which have officially crossed over to the disingenuous;
2. "Great! Thanks!" look of Blake which has an underlying "Thanks for confirming my own opinion" vibe;
3. "Tee-hee" smile and giggle fest of Jordin "I am sunshine incarnate" Sparks

Chris on the other hand just seems delighted in the purest way when the judges laud him. His eyes flash with joy and he seems proud to have worked hard and pulled something off. You know the Army’s old ad campaign, "Be all that you can be?" Well, I think Chris has adopted that mantra and it’s paying off.
Nerdia: Latin song night is always a disaster for amateurs. The songs don't have a lot of drama to begin with so unless you have personality, or "passion" as J. Lo puts it, you sound very uninteresting. Chris sounded over his head with his song.


Haley Scarnato - "Turn the Beat Around"

Coolia: So just because Gloria Estefan is a Latina and covered this song, it fits the theme of Latin night? I think that's pushing it. She had good energy and showed off those legs again, but kudos to Simon for calling her on it.
Art Haarper: Good costume. She was nice and loud.
Deb: Ummmm no. The whole performance felt fake and forced. Her voice is too soft and sweet for such a "hard" song. I think Jordin could have done great with this one.
Terry: Ah! A very nice crackwhore shade of red lipstick coupled with once again showing off those long sexy legs....too bad she wore a bra and a neck-high shirt (and, good for Simon for calling her out on the obvious attempt to sell herself). A very so-so karaoke performance.
C. Crumpet Swank: Worst performance of the night. In choosing this song, Haley shoots herself in the foot because it offers scant opportunity to demonstrate whatever range she does possess and the success of her vocal rides on how well she can deliver the rat-a-tat-tat quality of the lyric, which even if achieved, doesn’t really count for much when compared to a more nuanced performance such as Melinda’s. Moreover, Haley didn’t even pull off the rat-a-tat-tat aspect all that well, even though she was game. She was trying valiantly and kept up with it for the most part (no obvious flubs), but you could see the monumental effort, which detracted from the success of hitting the lyrics in the way J-Lo advised. The rushed feeling was further amplified by her overzealous rampage of the entire set (stage, aisles, catwalk, etc.). She was determined to walk every inch of it (the better to show off her legs, natch), but that is easier said than done when you’re sporting stilettos. Simon’s remarks about wearing as little as possible as a strategy was blunt, but, let’s face it, entirely true.
Nerdia: Although Simon spoke the truth indeed, a fellow watching the show with me pointed out that this is exactly what helped J. Lo get where she is and helped Paula Abdul have a career. I felt she sang the song competently yet still amateurishly.


Phil Stacey - "Maria, Maria"

Coolia: He was smart to wear a hat and pin his ears back under it, but the rest of his outfit looked thrifted (and not in a hip retro way). Boring performance again, and his voice cracked at the end.
Art Haarper: Terrible. Why is he still on the show?
Deb: Again LOVE this song! I wanted him to stand from the beginning. Why does it bug me when they sit? He sounded a little nasally on the lower ranges but his big voice I do really like. I must vote ...again. LOL It's folks like me keeping this guy in even though he calls the bottom 3 his second home.
Terry: I really thought this song would fit him perfectly....but, the vocally were oddly strained at times. Disappointing.
C. Crumpet Swank: Phil is so freaking frustrating! He has probably the best voice of the six men in the Top Twelve in terms of power and range, but he really doesn’t know how to use it effectively. He has a tendency to seem dour and over serious, as was apparent in last week’s "Night and Day, and again this week with "Maria, Maria." He also needs serious help with phrasing. His phrasing seems totally random, which then goes back to the fact that he doesn’t seem to grasp the songs properly. He, more than anyone, would benefit from Melinda’s tutelage. Hat = good thing.
Nerdia: Yet another Santana or Gloria Estefan song. Snore.


Jordin Sparks - "Rhythm is Gonna Get You"

Coolia: I didn't think this was the best song for her. She seemed a little stiff.
Art Haarper: Not good.
Deb: She's more what I see when I picture an American Idol! I'm not sure if it was the best song choice but overall very well done. She's fun, young and vocally very strong. I MUST vote and vote and vote again for her.
Terry: Not one of my favorite songs to begin with. Despite the really good vocals, this was a boring presentation of a boring song.
C. Crumpet Swank: She sang it well, but again, not a particularly challenging song vocally, which then seems like a cop-out since we know she has such vocal talent. She seemed to want to rectify this by adding in a bunch of lyrical ad-libs (which Simon derisively pointed out) to showcase her facility with big notes. It was like making cupcakes from a box and then adding a ridiculous amount of frosting and dragees to fancy them up. Also, the feel of this performance too closely mirrored her rendition of "Hey Baby" last week. Appearance: From the waist-up she looked really cool and sleek, but the black toreador pants just made her big butt and thighs look lumpy. She’s worked professionally as a plus-size model; she should know better.
Nerdia: I finally get Jordin. She's an 80s artist. She did Gloria better than anyone. Turns out, it takes an 80s state of mind.


Blake Lewis - "I Need to Know"

Coolia: Another hot one from Blake - almost as good as "Time of the Season." Great look, great stage presence, and a solid vocal. I voted for him 10 times (got some busy signals).
Art Haarper: It wasn't bad.
Deb: Best vocal of the night by a long shot. This is the best I've heard from him. He's the first guy I could "hear" throughout the song. This sealed it as the GUYS night for sure! They outshone the girls all night. I can't figure out whey I still like Chris R better??...
Terry: I really like his vocal "singing" in these types of "talking" songs (Chris R would have sounded terrible with this song....if we could have even heard what he was saying). This fit him to a tee and he gave a terrific performance. Best of the night.
C. Crumpet Swank: I was humming this song all Tuesday afternoon, secretly hoping Blake would sing it, and lo and behold I got my wish. And it was hot, baby! Smokin’! Tremendous yo factor. The vocal was dynamite—strong, clear, pleading, suave—it hit all the hallmarks/intentions of the lyric and did Marc Anthony proud. Oddly enough, the weakest part of the performance was the stage movement; for the first time, Blake seemed a little off his game in this respect. He seemed a little self-conscious, which we’ve not experienced with him before (did the noticeable pit stains through two layers of shirts belie this?). I also loved how he let his voice soar more and more as the song progressed. We heard him do things with his voice that he hasn’t done before on the show. And I admired the really fine control he exhibited—managing the verses with the appropriate restraint and then really seizing the passion in the remonstration of the chorus. I can’t help but think that his eventual album is going to be smashing—a real varied, effective and innovative smorgasbord of delights. He and Melinda alone have shown that they can pretty much tackle any genre to great effect.
Nerdia: He's a contender!


Sanjaya Malakar - "Besame Mucho"

Coolia: Kudos to Sanjaya for being the only contestant to sing in Spanish on Latin night! What a novel idea...who knew there were songs to choose from by artists other than Santana and Gloria Estefan? Of course it's not a great vocal but it wasn't bad either, and he's clearly got a degree from The Constantine School of Making Love to the Camera.
Art Haarper: Now that was a Vegas lounge act!
Deb: What happened to Sampsons hair? Is this how the stylists are trying to sabotage him? Oh I get it...his plan is to grow what they cut off on his face?. OK vocal, nice smile but I'll be needing a whole jug of wine to go with CHEESE! Yuk!
Terry: Good lord!....he pulled off yet ANOTHER hairstyle and overall look!! At this rate his head will be shaved by the finals. God help me, he actually didn't suck! Certainly not good, but by far his best yet (of course, he had no where to go but up). And, didn't anyone else find it odd and just so blatantly obvious that he was the ONLY one to sing a "Latin night" song that has Spanish lyrics? This kid is apparently far smarter than I have been giving him credit for.
C. Crumpet Swank: Sanjaya deserves to stay if only for being the only contestant to have the balls to sing in Spanish on Latin night. That aside, his vocal was good, and effective. I’ve consistently maintained that his voice is perfectly fine; what mars him as a contestant is that he approaches virtually every song in the same, low-key way (excepting of course, "You Really Got Me"). He rarely ventures outside his comfort zone, which is not a point of recommendation for sure, particularly in the context of this competition which theoretically values genre versatility. I also have to applaud the way he seduced the camera at the close of the song. Constantine would approve. Mustache: mangy, lame and disgusting. I know he’s trying for follicular uniqueness each week, but he’s running out of options. Let’s pray he doesn’t conceive of some pubic masterpiece for next week.
Nerdia: And yet unlike Constantine, he didn't smirk or look smug when he seduced the camera. Awesome move and song choice, Sanjaya.


Guest Judge - J. Lo

Coolia: She was nicer and more engaged than I expected, but it's still obvious that she was only there to promote her album. I bet she's pissed that nobody cried upon meeting her or proclaimed she was his/her idol.
Art Haarper: That's Jennifer Lopez? I didn't know she had fallen on hard times.
Deb: She was cute and fun but I doubt she offered much truly vocally since I doubt she would have even made it this far is she were on A.I.!
Terry: J-low was just another schill in a long line of just another schills
C. Crumpet Swank: She looked gorgeous. I liked that she seemed to be really enjoying herself and the contestants, even though she didn’t have much to offer in terms of vocal coaching. Her comments were more about sexy-coaching and dance-coaching, but then again since that’s 2/3 of her own appeal as a musical artist, it seemed appropriate, and I don’t mean that as a diss, lest we forget it can’t hurt for any future Popstar to be made aware of how those components will or will not factor into one’s approach to the musical marketplace. I liked how Jennifer seemed very down-to-Earth. Jenny from the block indeed.
Nerdia: she's so 90s.


Predictions

Coolia: Lakisha goes home, with Haley and Phil in the bottom 3.
Art Haarper. It could be hot pants or the guy with the hat (Phil). Probably the guy with the hat.
Deb: What Coolia said.
Terry: Haley to go, with Phil and Chris in the bottom 3. Not enough boobage to save her this week...legs only will take you only so far.
C. Crumpet Swank: Haley goes home, with Phil and Lakisha in the bottom 3.

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2007 Grammy Awards Live Blog

ApeBlog contributors got together to liveblog during the grammys.

The Police reunite and sing "Roxanne."

Coolia: Sting looks amazing. It must be the tantric sex.

Nerdia: I wish they would have done another song, like something from Synchronicity.

C. Crumpet Swank: Who cares?

C. Crumpet Swank: Carrie Underwood looking as boring as ever..

Best pop vocal collaboration - Stevie Wonder and Tony Bennett

(general outrage)

C. Crumpet Swank: Think of how innovating the Shakira song is. Looks like Stevie has been having dinner at Aretha's.

Coolia: Mary J. and U2 should have won if voting was based on the number of plays on my ipod. tony Bennett becomes the first winner to ever thank Target.

Joan Baez introduces Dixie Chicks.

Nerdia: Sometimes I can't tell Joan Baez and Camille Paglia apart.

Coolia: The former Dixie Chunk looks svelte now.

C. Crumpet Swank: She looks kind of like Belinda Carlisle now, but that dress is horrible. It's like an 1984 prom dress.

Prince introduces Beyonce.

C. Crumpet Swank: She looks beautiful.

Black Eyed Peas pay tribute to Booker T. and the MGs.

Coolia: If Fergie had any more eye makeup on, she'd be Tammy Faye.

Best R&B Album - Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough

C. Crumpet Swank: She said it was her first time accepting award...but she already has 3.

Coolia: She looks great.

Justin Timberlake performs "What Goes Around."

C. Crumpet Swank: I just don't see what the big fuss is about him.

Coolia: I can kinda see it. He's cute, he's got charisma. He's funny and self-depracating on SNL, and now it appears he can actually act...and play the piano. But this close-up camera isn't really working for me.

C. Crumpet Swank: It just draws attention to his worst physical feature - his nose.

Best R&B Vocal performance - Mary J. Blige "Be Without You"

C. Crumpet Swank: They play this ad nauseum, but I haven't gotten tired of it.

Stevie Wonder introduces Corrine Bailey Rae, John Mayer, and John Legend.

Coolia: Overjoyed...overwelmed...overweight. That is not a flattering print for him.

Nerdia: Corrine sounds like Norah Jones to me.

C. Crumpet Swank: John Legend has a really good song called "Save Room for My Love." He won best new artist last year.

C. Crumpet Swank: I'm underwelmed by this trio.

Coolia: Yeah, I just yawned.

C. Crumpet Swank: This ain't no Sheila E with glow in the dark drumsticks doing "The Glamorous Life", which, through the miracle of You Tube, I got to see again.

Coolia: Is that Natasha Bedingfield or Sally Kellerman

Best Pop Vocal Album - John Mayer "Continuum"

Shakira and Wyclef Jean perform "Hips Don't Lie"

Coolia: Shakira's voice is nails on the chalkboard to me. She's like Charo for the new generation.

Burt Bacharach and Seal pay tribute to Herb Alpert and Jerry Moss.

Coolia: Burt looks weird with that caesar hair.

Nerdia: He's so small next to Seal.

Pop Song of the Year - The Dixie Chicks "Not Ready to Make Nice"

Alyson Hanegan announces Gnarls Barkley.

C. Crumpet Swank: I hate when the networks trot out the stars from their TV shows to present awards when they have nothing to do with music.

Coolia: I love the pilot outfits.

C. Crumpet Swank: They're ruining the song with this arrangement. It hasn't gotten off the ground.

Coolia: They could never ruin this song.

Best Rap Album - Ludacris "Release Therapy"

Coolia: Ludacris just thanked Bill O'Reilly. Interesting.

Another plug for voting for the girl who gets to sing with Justin.

C. Crumpet Swank: Do you know how much time they are wasting on this? They can't turn the Grammys into American Idol.

Terence Howard introduces Mary J. Blige singing "Be Without You"

Coolia: I like the big orchestra treatment for this song.

Nerdia: That's great.

Coolia: Sounds like she's being slain in the spirit.

Nerdia: It was no "No More Drama" but still...pretty good.

C. Crumpet Swank: She's like a force of nature. She just blows everyone away.

Best Country Album - The Dixie Chicks "Taking the Long Way"

Reba McEntire introduces Carrie Underwood

Coolia: Her stage presence has improved since Idol.

Nerdia: She's still boring.

Coolia: I like Rascal Flatts, but I wish they were doing their own song instead of "Hotel California". This medley just goes on and on, but I have to admit I'm liking Carrie more than ever before.

Best New Artist - Carrie Underwood

Coolia: Imogen Heap looks like she's starring in A Midsummer Nights Dream.

Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci introduce Smokey Robinson

Coolia: He looks like he's had some work.

Chris Brown wakes everyone up with "Run It"

C. Crumpet Swank: He's only 15. He's the new Usher. Usher is over the hill at 25.

Christina Aguilera sings "It's a Man's World"

C. Crumpet Swank: She's got a great voice and she really knows how to use it. But it's theatrical. I never feel real emotion from her.

Rhianna and David Spade introduce Earth Wind and Fire with Ludacris and Mary J. Blige. Spade jokes that they are filling in for David Bowie an Iman who couldnt be there tonight.

C. Crumpet Swank: That was the best joke of the night.

Nerdia: I love pantsuits like Mary J.'s. It's very 70s polyester.

James Blunt performs "You're Beautiful."

Coolia: I wonder if he's as sick of this song as we are.

Jennifer Hudson declares the winner of Grammy Idol - Robin Troup.

Coolia: Poor Jennifer. That's not a very flattering dress.

C. Crumpet Swank: Her boobs look lopsided.

Record of the Year - The Dixie Chicks "Not Ready to Make Nice"

Group: groan

Coolia: This is turning into the country music awards.

Nerdia: I think the Grammys are trying to make a political statement. "Crazy" was much larger than this.

Chris Rock introduces Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Coolia: This is a pretty subdued performance from the Chilis.

Best Rock Album - Red Hot Chili Peppers "Stadium Arcadium"

Coolia: Yay! At least one award to get excited about.

Don Henley and Scarlett Johansson present Album of the Year.

C. Crumpet Swank: Don Henley's hair looks like Grandpa Munster.

Nerdia: He's so full of himself. Look at him, standing there, being full of himself.

Album of the Year - The Dixie Chicks "Taking the Long Way"

Group: sigh.

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American Idol in New York City--C. Crumpet Swank Weighs In

You know the infomercial for the Ionic Breeze, the expensive but useless air purifier? Envision the moment when the perky middle-aged hostess, when shown the wonders of the machine for ostensibly the first time, exclaims, “I loooooooove the Ionic Breeze?” That’s how I felt about the New York Idol auditions, albeit sincerely. I looooooooved them! It was two hours of undiluted viewing pleasure. The producers/editors finally got it right—it was a perfect mix of talents & no-talents, elation & disappointment, eye-candy & the blinding, plus freaks, geeks and hot chicks from Jersey, all topped with that extravagant, frosted-tip crown of aquanetted glory known as Carole Bayer Sager’s hairdo. I honestly don’t know if there has ever been an audition episode so entertaining and so multi-faceted in terms of both talent and emotion. Like I said, I looooooooved New York!

Let’s begin with Miss Col—I mean Miss Sager. If I had a quarter for every person who said aloud, “Why is Joan Collins judging American Idol this week?” when the episode began I estimate my 2007 income would be hovering in the 1.25 million dollar range (pretty good since we’re not even through the first month of the year!). Here’s the math: 30 million viewers. Half are ignorant kids who don’t know who Joan is. Of the 15 million adults, surely one third were shocked by the resemblance; hence, 5 million quarters = 1.25 mil.

The thing is, I don’t know if Carole would appreciate the comparison, since Joan is after all 14 years older. Nevertheless, she looks more like Joan than Joan’s own sister, Jackie! Preliminary reports in Entertainment Weekly suggested that Carole was a weak presence at the auditions, and that it would be a struggle to find airable footage of her comments since they were so minimal and unenlightening. I don’t know why the producer quoted in the EW article said such a thing, because Carole, while not an out-on-a-limb type of judge, certainly contributed to the proceedings, and, moreover, seemed thoroughly attentive, which is more than can be said for Paula on those occasions when she looks bored (or is that drugged?). I was thrown for a loop, however, when during one clip Carole suddenly had morphed into Olivia Newton John. It was very disturbing.

Now, on to the contestants! This week I’ll take them chronologically—

Ian Benardo: scrawny NY jew fag diva. That may not be PC, but that is certainly the persona he is seeking to cultivate in his quest to embody superstardom. I guess he figures there is no one claiming that spot in the pantheon of media sensations currently (was there ever?), and when you think about it, he’s right. I just don’t know how marketable that is. Also, he thinks he’s far wittier than he actually is, which is off-putting, but I have to say I really did enjoy his rendition of "Gloria." It was funny. Even Laura Branigan, R.I.P., would have smiled, I’m sure.

Sarah Burgess: This girl looked like Katharine McPhee’s even younger, sweeter sister and had the small-town spunk, naivete, and emotional availability of Kellie Pickler. I liked her performance a great deal. While she doesn’t have a showy voice or incredible range, I liked the clear tone and admired her interpretive abilities. It was cool how she sang "Call Me" in a jazzy way—I was beguiled. Add to this her pluck and beauty and she definitely deserved to go to Hollywood. Will her nerves be a problem though in the long run?

Ashanti Johnson: This was difficult to watch. Here is Ashanti with an impressive voice (and a newly slimmed physique), but the judges had already sent her to Hollywood twice before and were not inclined to do so again unless she brought something extraordinary to the table. What she delivered was a sonically astute rendition of Minnie Ripperton’s dog whistle classic, "Loving You." But the performance was an uncomfortable mix of polished singing and faux emotion, the latter of which turned the judges off. They also said her song choice was old-fashioned, which I didn’t quite get, because "Loving You" is from 1970s and yet they love it when people sing classic Aretha from ten years before. Hell, the judges sent John “Red” Stevens and Kevin “Chicken Little” Covais to the Top 24 and those two are the epitome of old-fashioned in terms of both material and delivery.

All four judges seemed to agree that Ashanti had an excellent voice, but not the charisma needed to be the American Idol (as if Carrie Underwood has any charisma!). They thought her talents were more appropriate for Broadway, and did not consider it an offense to classify it as such. Let’s just say Ashanti did not feel the same way. American Idol was her destiny and she consequently launched into an articulate plea for another chance to make it to Hollywood. This girl was not only confident of her abilities, but was 100% convinced that “America would love me!” if only the judges would give us plebs the opportunity to admire her.

Her protracted implorations achieved nothing, however. Indeed, the judges looked not only unmoved but decidedly uncomfortable. Her pleas were hard to swallow; even Simon kept his trap shut for most of it. Indeed, it was perhaps the single most uncomfortable audition I’ve witnessed on Idol as it was such a bizarre mix of talent and not-to-be opportunity. I knew what the judges were going through--I didn’t know whether to root for Ashanti or be annoyed with her. Most everyone I’ve since talked to were annoyed with her, that’s for sure.

Certainly she seemed convinced that Idol was her only avenue to creative and commercial success. I’m not sure why she seemed opposed to any other vehicle by which to become an accomplished, remunerated singer. Carole tried in vain to assure her that Broadway was a good fit, but Ashanti would have none of it. It was like American Idol or perish, as far as she was concerned. I think this lack of perspective is partly what turned people off so much, the judges included.

Also, I would venture to guess that no one will ever get a third ticket to Hollywood during the run of this show. A second ticket means a chance for redemption and everyone loves giving someone a second chance when there’s promise and commitment in the recipient, but third chances…nah! Benefactors’ attitudes do an about-face—if you’ve gotten two chances, you’ve gotten your fair share. See also: baseball; CA penal code; etc. And so Ashanti Johnson was sent on her way, defeated and despondent. Thank God the producers did not linger on her after she left the audition room; it would have been painful to watch, I’m sure.

Antonella/Amanda, The Jersey Girls: I will love seeing footage of these two in Hollywood, to ascertain how their relationship will handle the competition. Amanda will be cut early on. She has a reasonably good voice, but her delivery is fully “cabaret,” in Simon’s sense of the word (and that is not a compliment). Also, she is attractive, but not in any exceptional way. Then we have Antonella, who while not as confident perhaps, has it all over her friend. Antonella is tall and drop-dead gorgeous in an unassuming way. She’s like the lesbian love-child of Eva Mendes and Cindy Crawford. Add to this a relaxed and nicely shaded voice with good range and interpretive skills and you’ve got a perfect candidate for the Top Ten. The only contestant more attractive in the history of Idol is Becky from Season 5, who was the first contestant eliminated in the semifinals, but she didn’t have the pipes that Antonella does.

Jenry Bejarano: Imagine if Henry and Antonella hit it off in Hollywood? Their lovechild might very well be the most attractive baby of the new millennium. Jenry is so perfect looking it’s almost unsettling. Even had he sucked, it was priceless watching the looks on Paula and Carole’s faces when her entered the room and after he sang. Their eyes grew ultra-keen with the confines of my 27 inch TV. Close-ups of Paula showed extreme lust, fully palpable. If desire were scented, surely she was stinking up the room.

And then of course, Jenry could sing. Could really sing. His voice, while not terribly distinctive, had tremendous power and control. It would be criminal if he didn’t end up in the Top Ten, given the combination of looks and talent. The fact that he is only 16 makes the combination all the more tantalizing. He’s the total package prematurely--like he jumped forth from the head of Zeus.
It will also be fun watching his short, Bolivian adoptive family root for him. They seem entirely supportive and stoked!

Sarah Goldberg: Surely this girl is crazy, certifiably so. Talent-less, deluded and brimming with hostility. I would love to know what her clinical diagnosis would be. Her quest was to become the first American Idol who couldn’t sing, to turn the show into something completely different—the vocal training odyssey of someone who is tone-deaf—was inspired but entirely hopeless. Post-audition she claimed to have made many friends in the holding room. It would have been nice to hear their opinion of her, because to me, her mental cracks seemed pretty obvious.

Porcelana Portino: Remember how much I loved the New York auditions in general? Well, I loooooooved Porcelana Portino. First of all, how can you not love a girl with a name like that? It’s better than Fantasia Barrino any day of the week. Also, I love the irony that it is the name of this rough and tough chick. Plus, it’s incredibly Italian and she’s very New York and the two just go together like Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese. I also admired the way she trained all year for this audition physically, mentally and vocally. I liked that she looked trashy and we expected a terrible audition, and then lo and behold, out came a confident performer and strong, unique voice. Rock on, Porcelana! The girl has charisma. I hope to see her go far in the competition. I have two concerns, though: 1.) Her voice struck me as an acquired taste. I really liked its throaty quality, but I can see others not warming to it. 2.) She seems really sexed up when she sings; she needs to be careful about overdoing it. She is the anti-Lisa Tucker. It is my sincere hope that Porcelana makes it to the Top 24, so I can vote for her!

Jory Steinberg: A girl from Canada who lives in Santa Monica but traveled to New York for auditions. Huh? And why all the footage devoted to her talking about her multiple meetings with royalty without the producers providing any kind of context? Is her father an ambassador? Then again, who cares? Her rendition of Tina Arena’s Chains started out kind of boring but then she really blew it out of the park. She can clearly sing, but just didn’t click with me on an overall level. Perhaps that will change, as it did last year with Ayla Brown, who I grew to like more and more each week. Also, this girl is Simon’s type—a long-haired brunette with a strong, unmannered voice.

Rachel Zevita: Dawn Weiner has been resurrected in the form of Rachel Zevita. I wanted to like her total conviction in her ability to sing, but just couldn’t because she was so annoying otherwise, flouncing around her in her rainbow rags and limp, long hair declaring her suitability as the next Idol. Someone who thinks she’s more sophisticated than she is—yuck. Someone who can turn smug on a dime—yuck. Someone who proudly studies opera, but is convinced she’s more versatile than being a mere opera singer—yuck.

However, I do have to give her points for a particular retort to Simon. The judges had asked her to sing three different styles of music to get a better sense of her voice.She complied and sang three snippets of reasonably accomplished vocals--wildly divergent not only in terms of genre, but also interpretation. Simon complained that the “true” Rachel never came through, that she was like a multiple personality and wasn’t defined enough to be right for the competition. Rachel immediately and firmly reminded him that the show demands the finalists sing in a different style every week, and that it wouldn’t be a problem because “I can sing anything.” And so Simon shut up. Nice chutzpah on Rachel’s part…but too much chutzpah over the course of the audition process could be grating. I don’t think she will make it to the Top 24.

Julie Isadora Furman: This girl, while not as off-her-rocker as Sarah Goldberg, was also not “all there.” Her yelping, pseudo-orgasmic, frequently unintelligible rendition of Lady Marmalade was totally bizarre. At first it seemed it was intended as a joke, but apparently not. The post-rejection footage showed Julie/Isadora to be genuinely upset at her dismissal. The semi-stupor of Isadora—I ask you, is that her baseline personality, the result of being trapped in a three-day audition process for naught, or purely from the rejection? Ryan couldn’t get a handle on it, nor could I.
I suspect this girl attends or attended my Alma Mater, Sarah Lawrence College.

In closing, it as been reported that Randy may be pulling in some favors to score a Mariah Carey-themed night. Given she has just come off a tremendous comeback, I’m sure she’ll be up for it, as she will not feel it stigmatizing in the let’s-trot-out-Barry-Manilow sort of way.

Here are some other ideas for artist-themed nights when the competition finally heats up:
The music of:

• Cher (of course!)
• Heart
• Blondie
• The Eagles
• Linda Ronstadt

Each of these artists has a diverse enough sound and a wide and well-known repertoire, so there would be plenty of choices for the contestants when selecting songs. Recent mega-artists like Whitney Houston, Janet Jackson, etc., have had a huge number of hits, but stylistically are very narrow, which makes them somewhat less appropriate.

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Seattle Auditions: American Idol or American Cripple?

C. Crumpet Swank weighs in...

The much ballyhooed "freaks in Seattle" that we've been hearing about for the last few weeks of American Idol promotion came to full fruition last night. The promises trumpeted on the radio were more than kept. Indeed, where on Earth does one begin with this motley crew?

Why not with the fear-inducing? Steven Thoen (a.k.a. "Red") and Nicholas Zitzmann were downright scary in a serial killer sort of way. I envision them joining forces, as part of an Idol-rejectee pact, with Red as the brawn and Nick as the brains--a demented duo terrorizing greater Seatlle in a series of dastardly murders a la Saw.

Nicholas is probably pretty harmless, but he had a weird intensity and was clearly a social cripple of sorts. It didn't help that he all but obliterated the charms of Unchained Melody, ulullating his way through it like a near-asphyxiated llama. Red was tuneless, but likewise intense, and clearly without much intelligence. He also had an awkward, defensive posture--you could hear his hinges creaking as he approached that state of being known as unhinged. Again, these are the types of characters that lend the audition sequences, for better or worse, a carnivalesque feel in the earliest stages of the competition.

After last night's cavalcade of kooks it appears that as far as the producers are concerned the motherlode of all footage is atrocious singing coupled with homely looks and lack of social awareness. How can we not conclude this when, once again, the auditions we saw were far more weighted towards the inept than the talented? I suppose one could argue that bad auditions far outstrip the good (which is why out of 100,000+ contestants only 125 or so are invited to Hollywood), but then again, we are tuning in for a talent competition, not a no-talent competition, right?

There is a proverbial line to be crossed, however, and last night it might very well have been breached, namely in the extensive footage of Kenneth Briggs and Jonathon Jayne. These two boys bonded in the green room (a camaraderie seemingly encouraged by Ryan--perhaps with ulterior motives?) and we were privy to their poor auditions in their entirety. Visually, Kenneth's chances were hampered from the get-go; he looked like had some sort of birth defect. It was hard not to dwell on his mis-shaped skull, protruding ears, and buggy eyes. Matters were not helped by his lame rendition of Tearining Up My Heart. It was almost poignant, though. His well-thought out, but sad-sack choreography; his spirited, but pathetic vocal; his alarming looks--this guy is the closet thing to William Hung, since Mr. She-Bangs himself. Perhaps Kenneth will be able to parlay his abject failure on Idol into something lucrative as well. He certainly has an optimistic outlook. When Simon focused a bit too much on the unenviability of Kenneth's appearance, the young man stood up for himself and it was a moment of self-gallantry that was a joy to behold.

Turns out my suspicions about birth defects were true (Kenneth suffers from Aarskog Syndrome), which begs the question--should the producers parade such woebegone contestants in front of us for our mirthful appreciation (or is that disdain)? In a way it's an insult, the producers baiting us, so sure are they of our willingness to deride contestants like Kenneth. I think the laugh will be on the execs, however, because I think they are underestimating the character of the viewing public.

It is this underestimation that most probably fueled the decision to air Jonathon's footage. Portly Jonathon, who doesn't look fat, but rather looks like he's wearing a fat suit, operated in and out of the audition in a glazed, lisping fog that at worst is mild retardation, at best Asperger's Syndrome or some like autistic state. For my money, his audition should never have been shown. Even though the judges were polite, and Jonathon accepted his dismissal calmly, the damage was done in terms of the show's credibility as regards its intentions. Why show us this type of encounter? To what good? For what insight? Perhaps the producers are testing the water and plan a spin-off called American Cripple, where the physically and mentally disadvantaged compete in skill areas that are beyond their abilities?

The producers need to realize that there is a difference between encouraging us to snicker at the Jonathon/Kenneth's of the world vs. the likes of Jennifer Chapton. You do remember, Jennifer, right? The one who looks like the misbegotten love-child of Liev Schrieber and Miss Edie, the Egg-Lady of John Waters fame? Jennifer's voice wasn't terrible--it was perhaps serviceable--but it was trapped in a needless tangle of poorly executed melismatic riffs that she thought made her sound Mariah-like. Yet what made her so damn appalling was the pure hideousness of her manner. Now, lest you think I am being cruel, I will preface my venom with an aknoweldgement that Jennifer, for all I know, may be the sweetest girl in the world--a principled dove, generous and golden-hearted. Trouble is, all we saw was a crass, harshly-painted, poorly-spoken harridan of girl. A guttersnipe, if you will.

Big tits, little tits, I don't care what size you have--I have no preference--but forgive me for laughing when you are a member of the little-itty-bitty-titty-committee and you bosom your way around the room as if you work at Hooters. If your large, ungainly nose comes perilously close to touching your upper lip, don't exacerbate the problem by garish lipstick and thick lip-liner. Also, learn to accept criticism graciously, whether you agree with it or not. This rule goes hand in hand with, Do not sputter grammatically horrendous refutations, e.g., "You dough no nothin' 'bout music," ad nauseam, until you have to be told to shut up. Do not confuse an A&R exec's skill with his singing ability; they need not correspond ("Simon, you nevah cut a record!"). Do not assert, unironically, that your nickname is The Hotness, when you are, quite unanimously, the furthest thing from it. This girl was so full of herself with so little reason, it was truly astonishing. She was vain, ugly, dumb, and aggressive. Certainly no idol of any sort, and one can only hope, not intrinsically American. It was hard not to want to kick Miss Chapton in the face and hope for a better outcome.

And so I found myself delighted by Darwin (oh the irony!) Misha Reedy who was a total fruitcake, but a decidedly sweet and delicious one at that. Darwin (like her namesake) seemed to be operating on a different mental plane than anyone else in the room. She was totally goofy in appearance, speech and sense of humor--a prime target for a make-over, but the more I have thought about her, the more I like her just the way she is, unaplogetically herself--owing, no doubt, to her Mom, whose similarly discombobulated psyche and appearance we were likewise treated to. Darwin's voice was not good, but her spirit was great!

[Her lack of a bra, however, was a serious offense. When one's pendulosity factor is on par with a well-endowed 74-year-old, one mustn't walk around with one's continental shelf left to its own devices. No one wants to see the hanging gardens of Babylon resurrected and we only end up feeling embarassed for you (especially when you clumsily smack your contestant number to your breasts, like a label to a side of ham). Mom Reedy, get your girl to Bloomingdale's. They will do a professional brassiere fitting for free.]

And now, some parting glances--

ANNA KEARNS, a.k.a. Amazonia. I liked her moves a lot, but her voice, although good, wasn't anything special. I'm hoping she can rev it up in Hollywood. And why didn't they show us for more than a millisecond (in the commercial preview) of Anna and Paula standing beside each other? I'd use that as wallpaper.

BLAKE LEWIS, a.k.a. Beat Box Boy. He had a lot of charisma and was an impressive beat-boxer, but his voice was good and not much more. Can he bring more to the table than what we saw in the first audition?

MELISSA "CARLENE" STAVROS. Baby definitely has some back (and much elsewhere!), but did all appendages no favor by sausaging them in pink hosiery. Instead of Carlene, I wanted to call her Kielbasa. Nevertheless, I thought she was totally charming. She was clearly having a good time, and I admired how when Randy requested Sir-Mix-a-Lot, she didn't hesitate for even half a second, launching in to a lusty, swivelling rendition of that most famous "ass" song. You go, girl! Moreover, I thought her voice was decent; certainly not the voice of a finalist, but at least as good as Blake Lewis's. Further proof that looks count more in the assessment of the female contestants.

JORDIN SPARKS. Everybody seems to think she's all that and a bag of chips, but I didn't bite. Her voice was strong, but unexceptional, and her look for me was of that pleasant and non-descript ethnically-vague variety that gets chicer by the day. Plus, she loses major points for that deliberate misspelling in her first name. There is no "i" in Jordin, honey.

Until next time, may your house be full of juicy dog noses...

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