This week's episode gives us John Gotti Agnello at a crossroads. If only Lil' Kim had covered "Do You Know Where You're Going To?" for this week's soundtrack! John needs to make his college decision. He wants to go to Northeastern, but his mother and the rest of his family want him to go somewhere local. Uncle Pete tells John he wants to start a record label and wants John to be his partner - but only if John stays in NYC. I had such hopes for John and was saddened to see him cave to the family pressure and decide to stay at home. And then Victoria has the nerve to muse in her voiceover that she doesn't know what made John change his mind, after we've seen her yelling at him and Pete bullying him! She has the same kind of amnesia her father and brother had when testifying in court. Meanwhile, Gotti Hotti groupies besiege the house, loitering in hopes of seeing the boys and leaving lewd notes with their phone numbers in the mailbox. They get a surprise when Victoria calls them and lectures them about what constitutes ladylike behavior. In another subplot, Luigi works very slowly on building a home theater for the family. Victoria expresses her rage and has Robert refuse to pay him. I have to wonder if he's the only contractor on Long Island. You'd think he'd be a little more industrious after enjoying the free trip to Italy, but it's clear that Luigi answers to only two people - himself and any Gotti Hotti Groupie who asks for his autograph.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Growing Up Gotti - 10/24/2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Growing Up Gotti - 10/17/05
Coolia thinks I should understand life's harsh realities. She's always saying things like "milk bones don't grow on trees" and "your poop doesn't pick itself up." So, she forced me to confront my own mortality and watch this week's Growing Up Gotti in which Victoria's beloved pooch, Sebastian Gotti, crossed over the rainbow bridge. I felt sad for Sebastian, but really he wasn't a proper dog. They said he was a "teacup maltese". That is sure a long way from the wolf. Maybe dogs weren't meant to be that tiny? Or maybe too many carbs did him in? I bet he ate a lot of pasta that dropped to the floor. Victoria wanted to give Sebastian a grand burial, so she spent $285 on a casket and vault and then made Luigi dig a hole in the front yard. The ground was hard but I think I could have done a better job with my paws than Luigi did with the shovel. Victoria then brought in some of Frankie's friends who claimed to be professional gravediggers (Coolia told me that knowing people like that is considered networking in the Gotti world). They dug a hole that only appeared to be slightly deeper than Luigi's hole, however they did complete some lovely landscaping and installed a pond by the grave. Meanwhile, Carmine, John, and Robert went to get tattoos supposedly to honor Sebastian. Robert ended up getting one for his parents and I never saw what John got, but Carmine did get the initials SG on his chest and a "Jesus head" on his arm. Carmine had to repeat "Jesus head" about 3 times to get Victoria to understand what he was saying when she asked what tattoo he got. Coolia can understand my barking better than Victoria can understand her own son. He got subtitled in every scene due to his unintelligible speech. It appeared the boys got their tattoos for free because the tattoo artists shooed them away with the comment: "Your father never took any money from the neighborhood." I wish I could get that kind of deal. I'd get a "Lassie head" on my rear.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Growing Up Gotti - 9/26/05
As I was in Europe the past two weeks, trying to expand my horizons just like the Gottis, I missed last week's episode. Fortunately, I was able to catch on to the plot this week without a problem. It seems the boys must have partied like Caligula on last week's episode, because Victoria was not pleased with them and one of their keepers/friends had been sent home. So the boys sulked even more than usual this week. Carmine's few snarled comments were barely audible, and John sassed his mother repeatedly. Personally, I think the boys were just embarassed that their mother was parading around Italy in a half-shirt. The family attends the Palio, a large parade/festival, and mostly enjoys it, even though they do not have VIP seats for the jousting. Robert pulls a drama queen act and feigns clausterphobia to get a day off. While surrounded by sweaty hordes, John cracks, "This crowd smells like Luigi." Frankie wants to defend his mother's honor when an Italian peasant hits on her. I get somewhat bored and think how much better the show would be if ANY of the other characters narrated it besides Victoria - her narration is so flat and she's so obviously reading it for the first time that it makes the copy seem even more trite than it is. However, the end of the episode is completely redeeming as we get to see everyone in their swimsuits at the beach! The image of Luigi in a speedo will forever be burned on my retinas, along with Robert's pasty belly contrasted against his orange swim trunks. Can a Gotti Hotti and Not-So-Hotti swimsuit calendar be far behind?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Growing up Gotti - 9/12/05
Victoria takes the boys to a figure drawing class, forgetting that they are more like budding Michael Corleones than Michaelangelos. Instead of drawing the naked girl, Carmine writes his name graffiti-style. The boys walk out when the naked male model appears. Victoria searches for long lost relatives, while her brother Pete drags the boys, who have not left their hotel rooms although it's 2pm, out sightseeing. They couldn't be more bored, even at the Coliseum. When John complains he's not interested in sightseeing, Pete replies, "There aren't 5 things in the world you are interested in." I think Pete is wrong because I can think of 6 things John is interested in: brunettes, mini-bikes, boxing, blondes, redheads, and hair gel. Later, at a restaurant, Frankie has a hard time finding something on the menu that fits his diet. He wants a chicken caesar salad, and Luigi interprets the waiter's reply: "This is Italy, not McDonald's." I wish that Luigi would get to do more than translate, but I have to give him credit for being able to translate Carmine because I can't understand a word Carmine says. Eventually, the concierge tracks down some Gottis, and Victoria and Robert comandeer the hotel shuttle bus to visit them. Victoria says if they are rich, they must be her relatives. It turns out they are just middle class and they've never heard of the American Gottis. The jovial Mr. Gotti also crushes Victoria by revealing that Gotti is not Italian for "King" as she had been told - but actually means "cat." Come to think of it, the Teflon Don did seem to have nine lives.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Edgar's view on Growing Up Gotti - 8/29/05
The Gotti Boys seem to be sporting caesar cuts now and not spiking their hair up. I guess they felt they could not compete with my hot 'do. And to think, I don't even use product - my secret is to soak a chew toy with slobber and then roll around on it to get my hair slightly moist and upright. Bitches can't resist.
Growing up Gotti - 8/29/2005
The Gottis hit Italy, and Italy may never be the same! On the way from the airport, Victoria spies a tiny fountain and asks her driver if it's the Trevi Fountain. I find it hard to believe they have never been to Italy, given how they continually remind us about their famly pride and pride in their Italian heritage. The Gotti boys go off to "gladiator school" while Victoria and Robert go shopping. Robert, her assistant, continually gets on my nerves. He seems to be kept around only to soothe Victoria's ego and tell her how good looking her boys are. I have yet to see him do actual personal assistant work and he never gets yelled at the way her former harried assistant Jen did. Victoria goes on a desperate, fruitless search for hot rollers, because she forgot to pack hers, and then declares that the absence of hair rollers must be why everyone in Italy has horrible hair. Horrible hair - that phrase conjures up an image for me and it's not Italy - it's Victoria Gotti! John and Carmine win their gladiator battles against their chubby, less attractive cousins who they have brought along on this trip for the same reason pretty girls bring their chubby girlfriends to clubs. Luigi is sadly underused in this episode, although John does tell him he smells and should take a shower at one point. I hope next week they all get an audience with the Pope.
