Grammy Awards: Morris Day Does the Bird, Kanye Flips the Bird, Amy Stands on Bird Legs

The 50th anniversary of the Grammy served up some retro performances - some awesome (Tina Turner / Beyonce) and some just weird (Morris Day and the Time / Rihanna).

Amy Winehouse emerged a big winner - taking home 5 awards including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist. Visa issues kept her from traveling to the US for the show, but she performed live from London. With a hall pass from rehab, she looked a little shaky, standing on bird legs and belting out "Rehab" without shame. She made several shout-outs to her husband: "For Blake. Incarcerated." I'm glad Amy won - her album seldom leaves my 6-disc changer - it's powerful, haunting, retro, and fresh. Moral judgments on her character and whether or not she influences kids to shoot heroin or tease their hair shouldn't interfere with an assessment of her artistry.

Kanye West delivered a powerful and moving song for his late mother, with "Mama" shaved into his head. This made me root for him, but his acceptance speech for Best Rap Album was as arrogant and infuriating as ever. Vince Gill even poked fun at him. Vince received a Grammy from Ringo Starr and joked that he had just got an award from a Beatle - "Kanye, has that happened to you yet?" I guess this may spark a new Chicago vs Nashville rap battle.

68-year-old Tina Turner looked hot in a silver cat suit and appeared to have just as much energy as her partner Beyonce on their "Proud Mary" duet. Another aging diva, Aretha Franklin, didn't fare so well. Despite an LA Times story talking about her recent weight loss, Aretha looked bigger than ever, and a sleeveless yellow gown did nothing but make her resemble the sun. The spaghetti strap appeared to dig into her lumpy shoulder making her arm resemble a bundled roast. Her arm jiggled so much while she praised Jesus that I thought she might knock out some members of the back-up choir.

In more scenes from yesteryear, John Fogarty teamed up with Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard. Little Richard was as fabulous as ever, but Jerry Lee Lewis looked more like Jerry Lewis - seemed like some steroid bloat was goin' on. I got a kick out of seeing Morris Day and the Time but I have to wonder if their duet partner Rihanna would even know who they were.

Poor Jason Bateman had to emcee an uninteresting contest to find America's Top Classical Accompanist who would get a chance to share a stage with Foo Fighters. Did anyone actually bother to vote for this? I guess so, as the hottest gal won.

In typical Grammy weirdness, Herbie Hancock unexpectedly took album of the year for "River: the Joni Letters." Kanye had declared that if he didn't win, he would allow Amy Winehouse or Mark Ronson to win, but he didn't mention Herbie. I wish I had a river that Kanye could skate away on.

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American Idol - Best of the Rest - Auditions

Ahh, finally, the end of the auditions! They call this the "best of the rest" episode, it's an hour long, but we only get to see 6 people who made it to Hollywood. Sigh.

The Good

• Amy Davis - Amy said she was "lower than lower middle class" before delivering a soulful rendition of "Blue Bayou."
• Cardin Lee McKinney - Cardin was confident and pretty. She should do well.
  
• JoAnne Borgella - She reminded me of Chaka Khan. I thought she had a good voice but Simon was hesitant - maybe because of her weight?
• Alesha Stelzl - I thought this was a joke audition because her voice was so nasally, but Paula thought she sounded like Dolly Parton. They let her go learn a Dolly song and come back. I still thought it was horrible, unless we're looking for "America's Next Dolly Parton."
• Chikezie Eze - He tried out last year but didn't make it. Simon wasn't wowed but lucky for Chizekie, the other two are eze like Sunday morning.
• Danny Noriega - His performance of "Proud Mary" was over the top, but he's got a Sanjaya-like teen idol quality that could carry him along.

The Bad and The Ugly

• Chris and Cory Lane - These telegenic twins have dated the same girl. They can't sing but they might get a deal to make some Abercrombie and Fitch porno together.
  
• Joshua "J Smoov" Moreland - He dropped glitter dramatically at the start of his song. Simon pronounced the audition "corny and revolting" before asking Paula to go sweep it up.

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American Idol - Hotlanta Auditions

The Good

• Josh Jones - A rocker and a glass cutter, Josh had scary eyes that freaked Simon out so much he made him sing with his back to the judges. He's got a good rock voice but can he stop buggin'?
• Asia'h Epperson - Asia'h's dad died in a car accident just two days before her audition, but she emerged as quite a trooper and dedicated a strong performance of "How Do I Live" to her dad. She's pretty and talented and, with a story like that, how can you not root for her? Paula sobbed in sympathy.
• Brooke Helvie - Brooke is Miss South Florida Fair, which sounds like a character in a Jimmy Buffet song. She's really annoying but proved Simon wrong by demonstrating that a pageant girl could actually sing.
  
• Alexandrea Lushington - I wasn't too crazy about her baggy army-style outfit but her voice was good, and she's got a cute 93-year-old grandmother.
  
• Amanda Overmeyer - Amanda is a biker and a nurse. She belted a Janis Joplin tune and Randy thought it was hot. I think she's one of the more intriguing contestants - perhaps she'll be this year's Gina Glocksen.
  
• Josiah Leming - Young Josiah is living in his car while touring and trying to make it. He's cute with an oddly British voice that charmed Simon but kinda freaked Randy out. I'll root for him. It was refreshing to hear a Snow Patrol tune instead of Celine or Stevie.

The Bad and The Ugly

• J.P. Tjelmeland - He tried out a few years ago and sat one seat away from Carrie Underwood in line. That's as close as he'll be getting to Idoldom, since Simon declared his pen had more charisma.
• Eva Miller - Eva decided to sing Vanessa Carlton for some unknown reason and tripped and fell while dancing.
• Nathan Hite - This goth teen smarted off to Simon, and Simon reprimanded him for being sassy. If this whole Idol thing doesn't work out, Simon should consider becoming a headmaster in a school for wayward boys.

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Celebrity Apprentice - Goodbye, Gene

I caught up on the last few episodes of Celebrity Apprentice this weekend and have come to an important conclusion. This is not easy for me, but, after 30 years of being a KISS fan, I am breaking things off with Gene Simmons. Let me recount how I have gradually lost faith in Gene.

• Bad acting - Gene and his evil robots terrorized Tom Selleck in Runaway. His overacting was way more frightening than the movie itself.
• Unending Greed - All the KISS products, while evidence of Gene's business acumen, are oppressive. It makes being a fan a Sisyphean experience.
  
• Duping Fans - I don't mind that Gene keeps sausaging himself into spandex to tour with KISS, but I do mind when he puts Tommy Thayer in Ace's makeup as if we're all too drunk to notice. Even if he is a drunk, there's only one Ace! Let Tommy be a new character, in the Eric Carr and Vinnie Vincent tradition.
  
• Arrogance and Stupidity - I'll never forget Gene's appearance on Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He was overconfident and refused the help of his celebrity peers and missed one of the early throwaway questions. He was eliminated without even having used a lifeline. Stupid demon.
• Creepy Hair - I don't know if it's a weave or a hairpiece or plugs but whatever is on Gene's head is almost as bad as whatever's on The Donald's head. With all that money from the sale of KISS caskets, can't Gene fix this situation?
  
• Annoying Reality Show - I have watched all of Gene Simmons Family Jewels because I'm a die-hard, but most episodes make me cringe due to Gene's bad acting, lack of humor and the hokey sitcom-style manufactured plots. I think I mainly keep watching because Gene's kids Nick and Sophie are actually cute and funny and seem remarkably well-adjusted.
• Unnecessary Face Lift - If the picture on this blog isn't enough to end a crush, I don't know what is. Gene's sex appeal was never based on being handsome, so I don't know why he thought a face lift was necessary, except maybe to make good reality TV.
  

Now the final straw - an episode that could also be called "Arrogance and Stupidity" - comes on Celebrity Apprentice. Gene led the women's team and failed to win a challenge to promote a Kodak printer. He failed the challenge partially due to his disinterest in actually listening to the executives (same problem in the previous week where we didn't listen to the dog food kingpin).

Gene's failure meant he would have to be on the firing block, and he was told by The Donald to choose two team members to bring back to the boardroom with him. Instead of picking Nely Galan, who was also partially to blame because she talked to much and annoyed the Kodak execs, Gene chose Omarosa and Jenny Finch. The Donald gave Gene multiple chances to change his mind about this, stating that neither Omarosa nor Jenny had anything to do with this mission's failure. Trump was just itching to fire Nely, and he didn't want to let Gene go, knowing that Gene is truly one of the better businessfolk on the show and also one of the only real celebrities. But Gene was stubborn and wouldn't change his mind. He said he felt Nely was a good leader, and, well, he just hates Omarosa like we all do. Consequently, The Donald had no choice but to fire Gene.

Who knows - maybe Gene blew it on purpose. Maybe he was bored with the show and wanted to get back to his 10 million other KISS-related business ventures. As for me, I'm done with Celebrity Apprentice and done with the Demon!

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American Idol - Miami Auditions

Apparently, the Dolphins aren't the only losers in Miami. Out of 10,000 who auditioned, only 17 people made it out of Miami. We met 9 of them.

The Good

• Robbie Carrico - He's a former boy bander (from Boyz N Girls United, apparently) turned rocker. Dude dated Britney Spears. He can sing but he's definitely one of the ringers - it's not like Ryan found him driving a tractor or waiting tables.
• Ghaleb Emanach - Ghaleb has a lot of energy and kissed everyone in sight after getting his golden ticket. Randy worried that his Venezuelan accent was too thick.
• Corliss Smith and Brittany Wescott - These two big, lusty ladies could be the next Weather Girls. They both can sing, and Corliss has an especially interesting jazz vibe.
• Suzanne Toon - She was in a "Fame" school before getting pregnant at 18 and taking a break to be a mom. Randy praised her sultry voice, and Simon thought she became more attractive when she sang.
  
• Ramiele Malubay - Ramiele was a cute Filipino gal who wants to be the next Jasmine Trias, but not badly enough to wear a flower in her hair.
• Syesha Mercado - She's really attractive and vibrant, and I love how she belted Aretha's tune. Plus, sob story alert! Her dad just graduated from rehab.
• Natashia Black- Only glimpsed for a moment, she did a nice job with "At Last."
• Ilsy Lorena Pinot - Her screen time was over by the time I wrote her name down.

The Bad and The Ugly

• Shannon McGough - Shannon works in her parents' meat market and has a knack for belching. She screamed her way through a Janis Joplin tune, and the judges told her to stick to handling meat.
• Richard Valles - He sang Rascal Flatts through his nose.
• Julie Dublea - Julie is a showbiz vet, having made the Top 20 on American Juniors a few years ago, but the judges found her precocious. She asked for a definition, as if she were in a spelling bee. I couldn't get past her neon dress myself - blech.
  
• Brandon Black - B. Black made a crazy sliding entrance while talking to himself - definitely one of the strangest auditions, and a waste of a white pimp suit.

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American Idol - Omaha Auditions

Tonight's show began with a shot of a mysterious crop circle of the American Idol logo. Who knew that even aliens are Idol fans?

19 people made it from Omaha to Hollywood and we actually got to see 9 of them - that's almost half! Idol Producers, have you been reading my posts or what??


The Good

• Jason Rich - He's a cute farm boy who forgot his words and was given three chances to finish his song. He's got a decent country voice, but if he's that nervous now, how will he get through Hollywood week?
• Rachel Wicker - She's an arm wrestling champ. Simon thought she looked old and Randy thought she yodeled too much, but they passed her through.
• Samantha Sidley - Samantha is cute but lacks confidence. She's quiet, and I don't see her standing out in the crowd.
• Elizabeth Erkert - We only saw a few seconds of her audition, but she belted "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" impressively. And I give her points for being from Springfield, IL - home of Honest Abe.
• Denise Jackson - In her few seconds of airtime, I couldn't get past her big red 1980s earrings.
• Michael Sanfilippo - Blink and you missed him, but he sang "Call My Name" to judges' raves.
• Angelica Puente - Angelica has been fighting with her dad and had to move in with her grandparents. She sang "Power of Love" just like Celine - too much like Celine, according to Randy. She does have serious pipes though and a sob story.
• David Cook - At last, we get a rocker! David belted "Living on a Prayer" after watching Daughtry's audition to pump himself up. I'll root for him.
• Leo Marlowe - Leo is my favorite so far. He's very likable and quipped that his mom was proud to have raised a homecoming queen, but that she'd hoped it would be one of her daughters. I liked his affable, self-effacing personality, plus he's got the voice and chutzpah to take on a Donnie Hathaway song.

The Bad and The Ugly

• Chris Bernheisel - Chris had a lot of energy. He said, "I'm so happy! I feel like I could explode and happiness is going to go everywhere!" Unfortunately, the happiness explosion didn't improve Simon's and Randy's mood, and Chris was rejected. However, Simon offered him a consolation prize - he can be Omaha's FOX affiliate's reporter for the Idol finale. Just when we thought Chris was fresh out of happiness, more happiness vomited out of him with this news.
  
• Sarah Whitaker - Sarah is a goth who formerly wrestled under the name "Lady Morgue". Her maniacal laugh was more impressive than her singing.
• Johnny Escamilla - Johnny wore a gold jacket and appeared to have a seizure while performing "Shout."

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Steve Martin: a Conversation with Carol Burnett

(Jan 24, 2008, at The Wilshire Theater Beverly Hills)

Imagine my glee finding Steve Martin’s latest book, Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life, sitting in a stack at a Santa Monica bookstore and discovering that it was not another piece of fiction but a biography about his long-lost life as a stand-up comedian. And here I’ve been kvetching so much about his abandonment of the art form for more well-heeled work in academic theatricals intermingled with big-budget, saccharine movie turds. (I’ll take fifty Lonely Guys any day if we can just forget that movie with Queen Latifah ever happened.

My brothers and father would re-tell scenes of The Jerk at the dinner table. I knew the entire “he hates cans!” routine before I ever watched the movie like I knew “it’s only a flesh wound” years before watching Monty Python’s Holy Grail). My brother also had the King Tut Steve Martin album which we both loved (the embezzling cat story, the France bits). However, my admiration of Martin didn’t survive past the movie Roxanne, which was so sweet it hurt my teeth. And his appearances on SNL and talk shows struck me as cold. Then he did that great Oscar hosting job and I was back yearning for his old days of stand up. Then the bad movies with too many weddings and kids and Goldie Hawn romances happened and I was put off again.

Let me tell you, Martin's new book did wonders for showing a much warmer human being. And it’s a recommended read for his insight into how a comedy act is assembled, structured and crafted over years of sweat and experimentation, also delving into what it feels like on the other side of 40-thousand fans who know your routines by heart.

Good enough. But then it was announced that Steve Martin would be talking with Carol Burnett at a special event in LA at hosted by the group Writers Bloc. I was in heaven!

The theater was huge; the event was sold out so we had to sit in the balcony where I was too far away to ask my big Steve Martin question at the Q&A, which was: As a writing team for The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, why didn’t more of Bob Einstein and Steve Martin’s early-70s brilliances end up on the show? Sonny & Cher’s show is now remembered as an amazing variety show…but not for its comedy. It’s loved for its eclectic guest roster, Bob Mackie costumes and torch musical numbers.

Even the opening monologue (the only comedic bit every discussed today) mostly succeeded on S&C chemistry. And Martin was working on some cutting-edge material at the time, his own act was about to explode. Bob Einstein was already doing Super Dave Osbourne on the John Byner show.

Asked what bits Martin did for The Smothers Bros show (one of his writing gigs before S&C), he joked that “all the best stuff you remember…I wrote that.” But alas, for the S&C show, there was no best stuff.

There was on irritating aspect of this “conversation” between Burnett and Martin and it was Carol Burnett. Press lead us to believe this would be talk about Martin’s new book. Burnett however seemed disinterested in interviewing Martin at best, dead set against asking any questions at worst, letting dead silence hang in the air instead of doing any work. She asked him probably a total of two questions, both lame. One question was who his favorite movie star was. This turned into an excuse for her to segue, with neck-breaking speed, into an anecdote about that particular movie star, Cary Grant and how Grant loved her show. Frankly, she seemed only motivated to tell Carol Burnett Show anecdotes about herself.

Her other question to Martin was about how he started out as a TV writer which only betrayed the fact that she hadn’t read the book or even done a quick IMDB or Wikipedia search for a brief timeline on his career.

To Martin’s credit, he made gentlemanly (as in gentle) attempts to keep the conversation going, respectfully taking the piss out of Burnett’s strange reluctance to engage in any real “conversation” about comedy. At one point Martin joked, “I DARE you to ask me a question.” She never really did.

And it pains me to complain about Burnett because she is one of my comedic idols along with Steve Martin and Harvey Korman. I believe The Carol Burnett Show was one of the three most influential comedies of the 70s (along with The Mary Tyler Moore Show and All in the Family) and a landmark moment for women in comedy and a variety show of superior quality. And she deserves to be knighted for that. But the truth is, she hasn’t done anything worthy of knighthood since then (although I loved her in Annie and The Four Seasons).

And I’ve heard all the Carol Burnett anecdotes many times, have taped all the reunion specials, read her autobiography (One More Time) her biography (Laughing Till It Hurts by J. Randy Taraborrelli).

Steve Martin has been far less available for public introspections of this kind. It would have garnished Burnett extra kudos for showing some interest in this comedic trailblazer she was sitting next to. Instead she came off as Hollywood, as a self-absorbed scene-stealer. And too make matters worse, her anecdotes took too long to perform. She sunk too many details into each story, making sure we knew the name of every person in the business she ever worked with or talked to. I kept thinking “can we get back to Steve please?”

On the other hand, Martin was accessible and pleasant with the fan Q&As and showed true affection for Burnett. I wished he would have showed more interest in contemporary comedians, however, when asked for his favorites. His disinterest in even knowing the names of his most recent famous co-workers felt a little isolationist.

But I’ve come a far ways if that’s the worst thing I could say about Steve Martin. His book went a long way to showing a person with flesh and feelings, portraying a modest, thankful kid from Orange County after years of seeming affected and quietly arrogant.

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