Shape Shifters

So it seems Valerie Bertinelli got fat and Jenna Jameson got skeletal. Like many other Americans, I’m fascinated by this news and must see pictures immediately regarding any drastic celebrity weight fluctuations. I often ask myself why I care? Is it because I’m concerned about this country’s obesity epidemic? No...I’m pretty ambivalent, sad to admit. Childhood obesity scares me and I’m concerned about skyrocketing health care costs due to the results of obesity in our society at large; but I don’t find a full figured person all that unattractive. I know many plus-sized women who are voluptuous, sexy and healthy-looking. Valerie, even with her extra baggage, is still one of the prettiest gals in town. In fact, weight seems to suit her.

So why do I care then? Am I revolted by bones protruding from torsos? Well, yes – it’s not pretty but I’m no anorexia-gawker. I don’t like to see celebrities out of control because it’s a particularly uncomfortable form of madness. I was diagnosed with anorexia myself as a tween. It’s a scary world of paranoia and gloom. I’d much rather see a fat star than a twiggy starlet. I can sympathize with both sides of the struggle.

For me, the intense curiosity to see the fat/thin pictures is completely aesthetic. What do they look like now? What physical shape have they taken up now? I want to see the shape shifters. Will I recognize them after the metamorphosis?

I’ve always had mixed feelings about Valerie Bertinelli. She always seemed independent and plucky back to One Day at a Time. But then she went and married a rock star. I saw her on some talk show ten years later admitting son Wolfgang didn’t recognize his father because father Eddie Van Halen was never home. She seemed to be rationalizing that this was a-okay, saying she had a lot of girl friends to hang with. How depressing to those of us too plain-looking to attract rock stars. You can be Valerie Bertinelli and it doesn’t do you any good. Maybe the independent girl-speak was just a fake-out. I couldn’t help thinking she deserved more and I was frustrated with her for not asking for it.

On the other hand, I admired Jenna for her empire-building abilities, taking a slimy business by the balls and raking the cash in. After failed rejuvenations of the vagina and marriage, Jenna is now waifishly thin.

Clearly, she needs Valerie’s IM handle. These gals need to chat.