Nuts for Mutts 2009: The Quest for Shade

Hello fans,

I've come to realize I am not content with the 15 minutes of fame I received from being on Who Gets the Dog. Therefore, I'm always seeking the spotlight. Thus, I implore Coolia to register me for the Nuts for Mutts dog show each year. It's a fundraiser for New Leash on Life animal rescue. As a rescue dog myself, I heartily support the cause.

The dog show takes place at Pierce College in Woodland Hills. Even a D-list Dog like myself rarely ventures into "The Valley," but I make an exception for this show. The show inevitably happens on a boiling hot day, because, well, most days are boiling hot in The Valley.

Friends, you know that I am delicate, and my albino skin cannot take much direct sunlight, so today was a challenge for me. It was already hot when we arrived at 9:30am, and temps later climbed into the 90s. My first category was Best Smile. I refused to drink water before the event because I know I have to be panting in order to have a big smile. Being a star requires suffering and sacrifice. I thought the competition was fierce as every dog was panting and therefore smiling, but it turned out we all advanced to the Finals by default. There were only 10 dogs competing (out of possibly 25 slots) and 10 dogs get to go to the Finals. I consider this a rather hollow victory. I also noticed my teeth are getting a bit yellow as I'm now 5 years old. It may be time for Lumineers.

I took a break to relax in the shade with some of Coolia's friends, including Nerdia and BFF who brought along my good friend Franz. Franz was not competing, but he came to cheer me on. It always does a competitor good to have friendly faces in the crowd.

Next up for me was "Most Handsome - Medium Breed." This should be easy for me as I'm medium and damn handsome. I did notice I was up against some other pretty attractive dogs, including Bentley who was quite unusual, being half Bassett Hound and half English Bulldog. There were 12 dogs in the category and 10 of us advanced to the Finals - including me! The judge called me a stud. Coolia pointed out that Kimberly Caldwell, former American Idol contestant, was on hand for the judging of the early rounds. I yawned.

8 dogs braved the heat and stuck around for the finals of Most Handsome. I pranced into the ring, feeling this was my chance to grab a blue ribbon and make it to the Best in Show round. Debra Wilson, formerly of Mad TV was once again the emcee. She and I go way back. So, I was feeling comfortable. Then, Coolia squealed with glee when she found out Rip Taylor would be judging my category. I did not know who the old man with the funny moustache was, so Coolia informed me he had hosted The $1.98 Beauty Show. This didn't lend me much clarity. The other judges for my round were Anna Friel and Ian Somerhalder of Lost. Coolia said Ian was truly the Most Handsome. Down, girl!

I turned on the charm, but Coolia distracted Rip from admiring me by telling him a story about how the first musical she ever saw as a kid was Peter Pan at the Fabulous Fox Theater in St. Louis and he played Captain Hook. Rip said he remembered the show, and "I'm still at it, honey. Check me out at riptaylor.com!" He then did briefly examine me and pronounce me cute. Anna kept her distance, but Ian seemed captured by my whimsy.

The judges conferred. The suspense was killing me. Or maybe it was the heat. Debra took the microphone to announce the winners. She began humming "Frankenstein" so I knew she was talking about me as that is one of my namesake's songs. I got Third Place! I got a yellow ribbon! First place went to Bailey, a cocker spaniel-ish dog with a luxurious coat. Bailey was nice, so I won't talk trash about him, but the long hair does make him kinda look like a girl. I'm just sayin...

I enjoyed an air-conditioned ride back to the more civilized West Side of Los Angeles, happy with my ribbon but still setting my pink eyes on the prize of Best in Show -wait 'til next year!