The Hills is Back!

America, rejoice...The Hills is back!

I don't know why this show is so addictive. It's just empty calories. Yet, I consume it.

When we last left The Hills girls, LC and Whitney were preparing to embark on another "business trip" to Paris. Lauren had to say goodbye to Brody for, what, like 2 weeks? You would have thought she was leaving to spend a year on the space station by the difficulty of this goodbye (and by his inability to stay faithful). Meanwhile, Spencer and Heidi had another huge fight which resulted in Heidi throwing something at his head and leaving to go spend some "me" time with her parents in Colorado.

Tonight's show begins with LC and Whitney getting off the plane in Paris and looking like they just stepped out of Teen Vogue. Where was the layer of grease that coats most of us after a transatlantic flight? Where were the baggy sweats and tennis shoes? They have two items on their to-do list: (1) pick up shoes for debutantes and (2) pick up their own ball gowns. Of course they rush directly to pick up their gowns, only to discover that in the time they spent squealing over the couture, the shoetique closed and they can't get the shoes! This is made into a mini-crisis although the ball is not until the next evening, meaning they'll have the entire next day to complete the errand. Phew! I was getting all stressed out!!

Meanwhile in the majestically photographed frozen tundra of Crested Butte, CO, we see Heidi skiing with her mom. Heidi looks kinda different, like she has managed to cram in some more plastic surgery during the show's two-month hiatus. She also looks rather gaunt, like grief over this separation has put her on a hunger strike. Her mom advises her to keep spending "me" time and find out who she is besides Spencer's Girl. Good advice, Mom.

Back in Paris, we see LC and Whitney at work. As usual the work involves helping models get dressed. LC receives a call from a buzzed Audrina telling her she saw Brody at a club with another girl that he referred to as his girlfriend and they were "all hugging and kissing and stuff." LC has a completely vacant expression as she shares this news with Whitney, who responds with her patented sympathetic pouty face. The solution they come up with is to go off and find new guys, so they meet up with a band that Audrina has recruited for them. LC doesn't have anything to wear to a club (um, didn't she come to Paris with a ginormous suitcase?) so she temporarily hems her ball gown. The band could be called The 5 Justin Bobbys based on their looks. One of them has a unibrow. Is that trendy now? LC makes a lot of eye contact with the nicest one of the bunch - the bearded Mathias.

Spencer decided to fly to Colorado to see Heidi, because she won't take his calls. He shows up and I thought her dad was gonna punch him out for a minute, but then he invited him in. Disappointing! When Heidi walks in, she shoots him daggers while seeming a bit smugly satisfied that she was able to lure him to Siberia. Spencer's dreams of a Dr. Zhivago type romance come to a crashing halt after several awkward dinners during which Heidi again asserts her need for space. What do you bet he called Audrina for a date on his way back to the airport?

We move on to the Cinderella portion of our show. High drama ensues when LC discovers - a mere hour before for the ball - that her curling iron burned her gown! She has a tiny breakdown and a glimpse of emotion crosses her face briefly, but Whitney saves the day by phoning the boutique to secure a replacement gown. They both emerge as belles of the debutante ball and LC even has a handsome prince - the aforementioned Mathias - show up on a Vespa to give her a midnight tour of Paris. Where's the love for Whitney, I'm wondering? She's always left to ask LC how her date went.

So why is there a season pass in my tivo for this show? As a gal in her mid-30s living in LA, I marvel at how different these girls' lives are from my own. I live 5 miles from them but I might as well be in Des Moines. I take voyeuristic pleasure in getting glimpses of clubs I wouldn't have the patience to wait in line to get into. I can feel momentarily superior for being older and wiser and make catty observations about Audrina's inability to formulate a complete sentence and Heidi's lack of musical talent. At the same time, I'm a bit envious, wishing that a curling iron burn on a gown was my big problem.

It's basically just escapist TV. The Hills is like a painting that matches your sofa - it may not be art, but it sure looks good.