Recapping The Hills - Who to Choose?

Uh-oh, someone let Audrina in the main house again. She goes into LC's room and tells her she spent the weekend with Cory the Aussie. Audrina says Justin Bobby is paying more attention to her now that she's got another man. "I dont know. He's a weird one. I don't get him, " Audrina says, mastering the obvious. Justin Bobby is, essentially, unknowable.

Spencer summons Steph to his coffeehouse. He complains about Heidi's mom bitching him out and about Holly living with them. "I can't even imagine disliking a sister more. That should make you feel good, " Spencer says. "That's like a demented compliment, but thanks," says Steph, queen of low expectations. Steph cautions that he can't go to war with her family but Spencer has already launched some nukes.

Over at People's Revolution, Whitney and LC are hanging up clothes again. LC invites Whitney to a BBQ in Malibu because the show is like Groundhog Day. LC says she doesnt know if Audrina will bring Justin Bobby or Cory to the BBQ. LC admits she would prefer it to be Cory.

Audrina appears to be in nice restaurant with Cory, except he's wearing a Red Bull baseball cap backwards. She invites him to the Malibu BBQ.

LC is delighted to find Audrina and Cory in her kitchen after a night of wild passion. They talk about their excitement for the BBQ. They go to BBQs every week. How is this one going to be more exciting than the last?

Over at Spencer's and Heidi's, Spencer demands that Heidi not invite her sister to brunch. He then gives Heidi the ultimatum - either Holly moves out or he moves out. When Spencer says that Holly is imposing on them, Heidi reminds him that he lived with his sister for two months. Oh snap!

The BBQ is at a mansion I've been to! OK, it wasn't for a party but I was looking at it as a possible location for the Google summer picnic (but we decided the cliffside location wasn't so good for small kids). Audrina and Cory cuddle in the pool. Frankie, Doug, and Brody show up, and Frankie and LC bicker over whether Frankie should invite "his boy" Justin Bobby to this BBQ. It looks like Frankie has vitiligo, but maybe he's just peeling. Hmm, I guess a lot has changed since Justin Bobby didn't speak to any of the gang at social gatherings. Frankie wants to know if Cory or Justin Bobby are going to Cabo - or both! Whitney looks bored, like she'd rather be conversing with Andre Leon Tally. Frankie tells Audrina that Brody invited Justin Bobby to Cabo. Awkward stares all around.

Audrina and LC take their dog accessory for a hike at Runyon Canyon. "My gosh you're like juggling men," LC says, regarding the Justin Bobby and Cory triangle. LC puts in a vote for Cory.

Heidi tells Holly that she's picking Spencer over her. Holly worries she'll be out on the street with a shopping cart. "I can't figure out your life for you," Heidi says. Holly doesn't understand why it has to be an ultimatum, and neither do I.

Justin Bobby and Audrina drink wine poolside, and Justin Bobby encourages Audrina to swim. He then says he'll only get in if she takes off her top and swims to the other side so he can chase her. Audrina does as she's told. Audrina brings up Cabo and Justin Bobby says he's going to get in trouble in Cabo. "It's on," he says. Audrina admits she cares if Justin Bobby bangs other girls. She looks like she wants to cry but then cuddles with him anyway. What can you say - chicks dig bad boys.

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Recapping the Hills - If She Never Met Spencer

Lo is helping LC with her homework by cutting pictures out of magazines. That was my homework once too - in 3rd grade. LC invites Lo to have a drink with Holly, Heidi's sister. LC says she's worried that Holly is trying to get her and Heidi back together. "Well, drinks are harmless," says Lo. Spoken like a true Hills girl!

Audrina and Chiara have lunch at Epic, and Audrina says she's excited about a date with a new guy - Colin. "Justin...whatever...I don't have a ring on my finger," Audrina says. I'm kinda liking the new aggressive Audrina, even if her sentence structure resembles Sarah Palin's.

Holly and Heidi have lunch. Heidi starts to fake cry, lamenting her lost best friend LC. Holly suggests that Heidi write LC a letter. Sounds like a good job for Heidi's assistant.

Colin and Audrina have dinner. Colin says his first job in LA was Bull Operator at the Saddleranch. Insert your own joke here. Audrina says her drink is too strong, because she probably hasn't eaten anything all day. Audrina complains that Justin gets angry when he's drunk, but Colin says he's a happy drunk. He also thinks Audrina has beautiful eyes and asks her for a second date in the middle of the first.

Holly meets Lo and LC at S Bar. Holly says she and Heidi had grown apart during The Spencer Years. LC says, "It's water under the bridge but things have changed and it's done." I guess it's not really water under the bridge then, is it?

LC and Whitney are at work, and LC lets Whitney read the apology letter she got from Heidi so that it can be on TV. The letter seems to have no polysyllabic words. LC wonders, "why now?" and "even after all this time, she still can't blame Spencer?"

Audrina meets Colin for their 2nd date. Audrina says she was up late talking to Justin. Colin calls her out for bringing up Justin on both dates, which she should know from reading Cosmo is Dating Faux Pas #1 - don't talk about your ex. Audrina admits she still has feelings for the enigmatic, rogueish Justin Bobby.

Holly comes over to visit LC. Holly asks if LC got the letter and LC says it basically just said sorry (again). LC says she already accepted the apology a long time ago. LC says maybe they could be friends again but she can't ever be civil to Spencer. Looks like Heidi may have to make a Sophie's Choice.

Audrina and LC sit by the pool. Audrina says Colin was a momentary distraction but not dysfunctional enough to replace Justin. LC says, "Where do you think we'd all be if Heidi had never met Spencer." Audrina says, "I think it would be totally different." LC says, "Isn't that weird to think about? How one person coming into someone's life can change everything?" This is practically a Socratic dialogue by Hills standards. I reflect on how many hours of my life I'd have back if I'd never stumbled upon Laguna Beach.

Audrina goes out with Justin and tells him that she went out with Colin and that Colin is a nice guy. "Nice is good...nice gets you far...he went so far, but he's not here," Justin says, smugly.

Holly and Heidi talk and Heidi says it's up to LC to rekindle the friendship. Spencer interrupts them, and Heidi admits writing the letter. He wants to know why Heidi is keeping secrets from him. Holly tries to interject but Spencer shushes her and Heidi yells at him. In typical controlling fashion, Spencer says he doesnt want Heidi to have LC as a friend (or any friends at all!). The preview for next week shows him locking her up in a tower where she will have to escape by making a rope out of her hair extensions.

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Recapping The Hills - Don't Act Innocent

LC and Whitney are at the gym, and LC is not punching very hard. "Come on, LC, imagine the pads are Jason's face!" yells the trainer, in my dream. LC tells Whitney about Steph and Doug going out. The trainer, whose opinion nobody asked, thinks that Steph should have asked permission first. Can someone please start a facebook group and call it "People who think Steph should have asked LC's permission before going out with Doug"?

Steph and LC meet up at Fashion School. Painful looks are exchanged. LC brings up the date with Doug. Steph says Doug used her to get back at LC. Steph then says she's going to Doug's party. "You deleted him from your phone but you're going to his party?" LC asks, incredulous. "No, no, this was like weeks ago before I was even friends with him," Steph says. LC and I both go, "huh?" Steph made about as much sense as Sarah Palin in that Katie Couric interview.

Heidi's sister Holly flies in their mother as a birthday surprise for Heidi. Heidi probably would have preferred a pair of Jimmy Choos. Heidi's mom says she was disappointed she had to find out from Holly that Spencer had moved back in. An awkward confrontation takes place in front of Spencer.

Steph and Doug meet for a drink. Steph worries that Brody will be mean to her at Doug's party. Doug thinks Steph worries too much. It's then implied that they are going to Doug's to watch a DVD. Oh my!

Over at Peoples Revolution, LC and Whitney pose by a rack of clothes. LC tells Whitney about Steph's strange denial of Doug. LC says Whitney should come to Doug's BBQ so she can meet Doug. "You'll hate him!" she says, giggling.

Cut to an establishing shot of Doug's Hollywood Hills home, obscured by three black SUVs. Brody teases Doug for being shady. Doug says Steph is the one coming on to him with text messages like: "come over late tonight and watch a movie." Doug says he hopes Brody won't make Steph cry, but Brody won't make any promises.

Spencer and Heidi's mom go to lunch. Heidi's mom says she thinks Spencer is pressuring Heidi into cohabitating. "I think you're very controlling and manipulative," Heidi's mom says, and then adds, "condescending, rude and hostile." If she would have thrown in "physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, and you smell", it would have been a true shout-out to Cher in Witches of Eastwick. Go Heidi's Mom!

We're at Doug's BBQ and I wonder if this is really a new party or just scenes from all the other BBQs spliced together. There's the usual gratuitous shot of Audrina's breast implants. Doug dives in, splashing LC and Whitney. Brody confronts Steph. Steph denies trying to date Doug. Whitney tells LC it's inappropriate for Brody to yell at Steph. LC thinks she might walk home to get away from the overwhelming awkwardness, however I'm sure she didn't bring her hiking boots.

Heidi and her mom go to lunch. I'm finding Heidi's platinum blond hair blinding in this episode. I put on sunglasses during her scenes. Heidi's mom shares how hurt she was and says she thinks Spencer is trying to break up the family, and then she cries. Heidi's mom sniffles, "Maybe I'm being too controlling. I just want you to be happy." Heidi looks confused, probably because she wouldn't know happy if it came up and bit her on the ass at Area.

Back at Doug's BBQ, Brody uses the word "shady" to describe Steph for the twentieth time. Steph sits in a room that appears to be a Doug Shrine, where she can overhear the conversation outside as Doug says he wasn't trying to date her and that he felt sorry for her because she was like "a lost puppy." LC thinks Doug is over-apologizing if he really did nothing wrong. Doug calls LC an ex-fling, and she gets up and leaves in a huff.

Steph cries to LC. Steph says she can't hang out with the group anymore because Brody is all mean to her. Steph lies to LC again about not being into Doug, and I'm wondering if she is channeling Jon Lovitz's chronic liar character. LC stalks off, leaving Steph in tears. Drama!

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Recapping The Hills - Lo and Audrina: New BFFs

This week's episode begins with Audrina actually in the front house, helping LC pack for a trip to Italy. She and Lo say they will be bonding in LC's abscence. Wow, I guess that make-up conversation between LC and Audrina where nothing much was said but there were a lot of blank looks and running mascara really did change things!

Steph comes over to see Audrina and says that Doug has asked her on a date. Audrina advises Steph to ask LC's permission before going on the date, but Steph retorts, "Um, how would she find out? (blank stare). Audrina pauses with a blank stare and says "I don't know." Hello, people, everything you do is recorded for this major hit television show - Lauren could quite possibly find out!

Meanwhile at Bolthouse, Heidi tells her only friend Kimberley that she's going to bring Spencer to their X Games party where she will be pretending to work. "Like, we can stay in when we're old," Heidi says.

Lo and Audrina have lunch at Fred Segal. I have a quick fantasy about the ivy on the wall swallowing them up. After the big decision of what club to go to that evening is made (Goa wins), Audrina tells Lo about Steph and Doug. "Why would you want sloppy seconds?" Audrina says, in an unusually catty moment. Apparently, Lo is already having an influence on her.

As usual, since LA seems to only have 3 clubs, Heidi and Spencer show up at Goa where Lo and Audrina are hanging out. Audrina tells Heidi about Doug and Steph. Heidi is all outraged and says she would never do that to her friend and that there are a hundred million guys in this city. That's true, Heidi, so go find a decent one! Lo tries to bury her scowl in her appletini during this exchange, but it remains quite visible.

Steph talks about her dilemma with Spencer who gleefully tells her that LC will freak out and cut her off. At the X Games party, Audrina and Justin Bobby hang with Spencer and Heidi. Spencer tries to make conversation by stating that "The Dark Knight" should have been called "The Joker." Wait, aren't they looking for a replacement for Roger Ebert? Alert the media. Audrina wants to talk about Steph and Doug again because she can only fit one thing in her brain per episode. Audrina suggests she and Heidi should do lunch and continue reconciling. Who is being more duplicitous: (a) Steph, (b) Audrina, (c) Both - they're just using LC to be on TV.

Doug and Steph go to dinner. Doug says he didn't tell Brody they were going out, and Steph says she didn't tell LC because LC is in Italy and she wouldn't know what to do if someone answered the phone and said "Pronto." Because there are only 5 restaurants in LA, Brody's mom happens to be at this very same restaurant - uh oh, busted! I guess it's true that LA can be a small town. I mean, I have seen Ron Jeremy out at clubs twice.

At Epic, Audrina has coffee with Chiara and talks about bonding with Lo. She then tells Chiara about Doug and Steph. Who's left for Audrina to tell? Perez Hilton? "It's just crazy that all this is happening while Lauren is gone," Audrina says. Either that, or it's in the script.

LC returns to find Audrina in the front house again. LC has coordinated blue wayfarers to match her tank top. LC does her best not to react to the news of Audrina hanging out with Heidi. Audrina tells LC about Doug and Steph. A cock crows. LC looks dismayed.

LC and Brody go to dinner. Brody reports that Doug claimed to be out at a business dinner on the night he took Steph out, and that he found out the truth from his mom. Brody gloats about being right about Steph being nefarious, grinding salt in LC's wound before saying "I just don't want to see you get hurt." Brody calls Steph "shady", recalling the time LC yelled at her ex-friend Jen Bunny for kissing LC's then-boyfriend Brody, "You did something shady." OK, I'm embarassed I just made that connection.

Meanwhile, in other Hills news, TMZ informed us that the newest additions to Wolfgang Puck's gallery of star photos (all taken by "warts and all" photographer Martin Scholler) at his restaurant CUT were none other than Heidi and Spencer. So one wall has Jack Nicholson and George Clooney and another wall has these two? I guess you'll know when you haven't been given a good table.

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Recapping The Hills - Forbidden Friendships

Tonight's show opens with a Hollywood street scene and clearly visible is Tommy Wiseau's mug on his perennial billboard for The Room, reminding me that I still need to go see this cult classic. How great would it be to have an episode of The Hills in which Lo, Lauren, Audrina go to this modern-day Rocky Horror and shout out lines.

Lauren invites the She-Pratt to her birthday festivities, but She-Pratt isn't sure she should attend given her divided loyalties. Spencer visits Heidi and inquires if they are still dating or if he can see other people, because, you know, there's a line of girls outside the door waiting to go out with him. Later, She-Pratt berates Spencer for bringing some of his furniture into her condo and for not getting a job. Hmm, maybe she is cool.

She-Pratt shows up at Lauren's bday party and is received by a greek chorus of Lo, Audrina and Whitney making shocked faces right out of Edvard Munch's The Scream painting. Lo doesn't trust She-Pratt, but Lauren is soooo happy they came. Heidi's assistant breaks this news to Heidi, who promptly calls Spencer who describes the She-Pratt as "Brody Jr."

Lauren and Brody have lunch. Brody warns Lauren to be cautious about She-Pratt. Spencer confronts She-Pratt over her duplicity. She-Pratt gets upset, "You're making me cry right now." Spencer retorts, "No, you are making yourself cry because of what you did." Oh, snap.

She-Pratt tells Lauren that Spencer was all mean to her. She-Pratt justifies her friendship with Lauren to Heidi: "We do have fashion in common." Heidi retorts, "Every girl has fashion in common!" Heidi says She-Pratt was like a sister to her, making me think Heidi must mean She-Pratt is like a sister you find out you had when you're already in your 20s who lives in another country and you email sporadically because I haven't seen a ton of closeness between these two.

Next episode...

Whitney and Lauren have lunch. Whitney tells Lauren about her new job, and Lauren pretends to be interested.

Whitney's "Devil Wears Gap" boss Kelly Cutrone calls a meeting about Fashion Week and states that complete devotion and only black clothing is expected of all staff. Whitney comes up with an idea and shows up the chief publicist in front of Kelly. Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren looks longingly at Whitney's empty chair. She takes a break from playing the Virtual Hills to call Whitney who is too busy with Fashion Week to talk to her. Lauren looks sad.

Heidi and the She-Pratt go to a club called Vice. Audrina is there. Heidi brings her breast implants over to meet Audrina. Heidi says she wants to be friends again and there have been times she cried because plastic surgery is painful and she was so alone.

Heidi and She-Pratt go shopping and Heidi tells She-Pratt she wants to be friends with Audrina again. Whitney and Lauren work out and Lauren again pretends to be interested in Whitney's job. She-Pratt tells Lauren that Heidi and Audrina talked for "a long time" at the club. I guess the long time was edited down to 1 min 30 seconds on the show. Lauren warns Audrina that Heidi would use her to get back at Lauren. A slight worried look crosses Audrina's moon face as she reassures Lauren that she would never be friends with Heidi since Heidi hurt Lauren. My head is spinning at the Shakespearean complexity of all these entwined relationships.

Lauren visits Whitney at her work and angles for a part time job. Heidi comes over to Audrina's and Lauren's apt to pick up some things she had left there. Heidi comments on the oddity of She-Pratt and Lauren being friends and Audrina responds with a surprising amount of wisdom: "It's weird how the world works." Audrina admits that Heidi came over and Lauren freaks out. Awkward silence ensues...fade out.

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The Hills is Back!

America, rejoice...The Hills is back!

I don't know why this show is so addictive. It's just empty calories. Yet, I consume it.

When we last left The Hills girls, LC and Whitney were preparing to embark on another "business trip" to Paris. Lauren had to say goodbye to Brody for, what, like 2 weeks? You would have thought she was leaving to spend a year on the space station by the difficulty of this goodbye (and by his inability to stay faithful). Meanwhile, Spencer and Heidi had another huge fight which resulted in Heidi throwing something at his head and leaving to go spend some "me" time with her parents in Colorado.

Tonight's show begins with LC and Whitney getting off the plane in Paris and looking like they just stepped out of Teen Vogue. Where was the layer of grease that coats most of us after a transatlantic flight? Where were the baggy sweats and tennis shoes? They have two items on their to-do list: (1) pick up shoes for debutantes and (2) pick up their own ball gowns. Of course they rush directly to pick up their gowns, only to discover that in the time they spent squealing over the couture, the shoetique closed and they can't get the shoes! This is made into a mini-crisis although the ball is not until the next evening, meaning they'll have the entire next day to complete the errand. Phew! I was getting all stressed out!!

Meanwhile in the majestically photographed frozen tundra of Crested Butte, CO, we see Heidi skiing with her mom. Heidi looks kinda different, like she has managed to cram in some more plastic surgery during the show's two-month hiatus. She also looks rather gaunt, like grief over this separation has put her on a hunger strike. Her mom advises her to keep spending "me" time and find out who she is besides Spencer's Girl. Good advice, Mom.

Back in Paris, we see LC and Whitney at work. As usual the work involves helping models get dressed. LC receives a call from a buzzed Audrina telling her she saw Brody at a club with another girl that he referred to as his girlfriend and they were "all hugging and kissing and stuff." LC has a completely vacant expression as she shares this news with Whitney, who responds with her patented sympathetic pouty face. The solution they come up with is to go off and find new guys, so they meet up with a band that Audrina has recruited for them. LC doesn't have anything to wear to a club (um, didn't she come to Paris with a ginormous suitcase?) so she temporarily hems her ball gown. The band could be called The 5 Justin Bobbys based on their looks. One of them has a unibrow. Is that trendy now? LC makes a lot of eye contact with the nicest one of the bunch - the bearded Mathias.

Spencer decided to fly to Colorado to see Heidi, because she won't take his calls. He shows up and I thought her dad was gonna punch him out for a minute, but then he invited him in. Disappointing! When Heidi walks in, she shoots him daggers while seeming a bit smugly satisfied that she was able to lure him to Siberia. Spencer's dreams of a Dr. Zhivago type romance come to a crashing halt after several awkward dinners during which Heidi again asserts her need for space. What do you bet he called Audrina for a date on his way back to the airport?

We move on to the Cinderella portion of our show. High drama ensues when LC discovers - a mere hour before for the ball - that her curling iron burned her gown! She has a tiny breakdown and a glimpse of emotion crosses her face briefly, but Whitney saves the day by phoning the boutique to secure a replacement gown. They both emerge as belles of the debutante ball and LC even has a handsome prince - the aforementioned Mathias - show up on a Vespa to give her a midnight tour of Paris. Where's the love for Whitney, I'm wondering? She's always left to ask LC how her date went.

So why is there a season pass in my tivo for this show? As a gal in her mid-30s living in LA, I marvel at how different these girls' lives are from my own. I live 5 miles from them but I might as well be in Des Moines. I take voyeuristic pleasure in getting glimpses of clubs I wouldn't have the patience to wait in line to get into. I can feel momentarily superior for being older and wiser and make catty observations about Audrina's inability to formulate a complete sentence and Heidi's lack of musical talent. At the same time, I'm a bit envious, wishing that a curling iron burn on a gown was my big problem.

It's basically just escapist TV. The Hills is like a painting that matches your sofa - it may not be art, but it sure looks good.

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